Sartorial Stylings at my 5-year high school reunion

By Connor Creagan, Art editor at The Amusing

Well well well, we sure have come a long way since graduation 5 years ago. Last time I was in this gym with you guys was during the homecoming dance when that kid Drew threw up in the punch bowl and Alyssa started crying cause everybody found out about her tail. I just can’t believe it’s been 5 years! Time sure does fly when you’re not clawing your way through the social quagmires of high school.

And I certainly can’t believe how good we all look. Yes, even you, Rebecca, though I haven’t forgotten about that time you told everyone that my mom works at a grocery store.

But who knew these former adolescents could transform into such stylish stallions?

Amir

Hubba hubba, is that really Amir?! Amir the Queer!?? He used to be such a geek and we used to bully this dude till no end. You gotta understand, though, Amir was less cool than that kid Derek who was obsessed with moths, plus he would remind the every single teacher to assign homework! WTF? So can you really blame us for calling him Amir the Queer? Like it really matters — now he’s hot, and I guess actually gay? AtQ showed up with hot fiancé Stephen; who knows, maybe without our playful hallway shoves and picking your lame ass last for kickball, you would have never realized your true gay self, Amir. We’re happy for you, especially in that fitted suit jacket with a splash of color from that Alfani tie, letting us know that you’re both fabulous and rich.

These Fucking Guys

It doesn’t get old, does it Adam, Jake, Sean, Shawn M., and Dylan? Reviving this classic senior prom stand by, the bros are letting us know that they’re “totally over high school” and “would, honestly, never go back. It wouldn’t be the same. Senior year was a fricken blast though……………” Yep, no clinging on to the past for These Fucking Guys, right? A past that’s quickly falling through their fingers like crumbling castles of sand, or Jake’s marriage to Steph from state school. Props to These Fucking Guys, though, because this time around the colors actually complement their respective skin tones (let’s be honest, Adam had no business wearing purple.) Way to wear your true colors, you Fucking Guys!

Jeremy, Bad Boy

Whoa, what’s Bad Boy Jeremy doing here? I’m surprised the school even let him on campus ever since he got expelled for “liberating” the biology class frogs. So fuckn cool. One time he even brought a bullet to school. Nope, not a gun, just a bullet. He got suspended for it, too, and I heard that he spent time in the slammer, maybe for bringing a bullet elsewhere? What’s up with Jeremy and bringing bullets to places? Well, whatever his inner demons are whispering, Jeremy is rocking his torn jeans and bed head just like he always has: with attitude and dark undertones of a lonely upbringing. (I think he hates his mom’s boyfriend.)

Rebecca’s Hot Husband Gabriel

Well all know Rebecca sucks and is a lying bitch who can’t be trusted and has no respect for the term “BFF.” (She knows what she did) Having said that she certainly bagged a style icon when she married Marine reservist Gabriel. We love a man in uniform, and that graphic silhouette with dazzling detail keeps us wanting more. Sure he may have taken advantage of the open bar, some might even say “abused,” but who can say no to a look with such authority? And besides, he’s light years above Rebecca’s ex-sweetheart who got arrested at a Six Flags during the band trip — the dude stole 200 invisible dog leashes.

Mr. Donnegan

Spotted from across the gym chaperoning yet another school event, it’s everyone’s favorite English teacher, Mr. Donnegan. 5 years and he hasn’t changed at all. I personally think the guy’s been alive forever, like he’s been cursed or owns the Sorceror’s Stone or something. Regardless of your personal politics around contemporary cursing and wizardry, you have to agree that that cable knit sweater is as timeless as it is sexy! Mr. Donnegan still may not believe that climate change is a thing, but he sure is melting a whole lot faster than ice caps with this ensemble. Keep on keepin’ on, Mr. Donnegan, lord knows you don’t have much of a choice what with the curse and all. Tell us again about the fist time you read Lord of the Flies??

This post originally appeared on Theamusing.net, a site dedicated to all things humorous and entertaining.