My Toddler Needs: Control.
Welcome to the My Toddler Needs series. Within this series I’ll talk about what drives our toddlers’ big feelings and what we can do to help guide them through their big feelings, needs, wants, and emotions.
Control.
You might be asking, but my toddler is only 1.5, 2, 3? What do they need control for? I’m making the decisions for them so they can stay safe. They don’t know any better.
Well, I’m here to tell you that your toddler is a human being. All human beings want to be independent and in control of one’s body and actions. There’s a reason why they meltdown over the wrong cup, their shoes not being the right color, or they didn’t get the spoon they asked for.
- They’re melting down over miscommunication and are unable to cope with it.
- They didn’t get to decide what they got to wear that day.
- That spoon isn’t the best one for what they’re eating and they know which one works better.
We don’t know why they feel that way and neither do they. It’s safe to say we’re all just figuring things out together. One thing is for certain. They want control and they crave for that control.
“I want to do it!” Is that a most common phrase heard in your house right now? Maybe it’s “Me!” or “I do it!”. Maybe you have a toddler who cannot speak the words they want to say, but they can yell excitedly. Those are all ways of expressing they want control over a task. No direction needed, let them figure it out.
Does it irk you to have to relinquish that control? Yes, it does, and for me personally, it totally does.
What can we do to help flourish their need to control something and also still hold that control ourselves?
Present opportunities to choose:
Examples may sound like: “What book should we read first?” “What snack should we have, carrot sticks or graham crackers?”
This gives the notion that, hey, you can make a choice and neither is wrong in my eyes. I’m trusting you. Just by letting them make a choice, it will lessen the disappointment they tend to express when you choose for them.
Give age-appropriate acceptable options:
“Would you like to brush your teeth or put on pajamas first?”
“Oh, it’s cold out. What should we wear to keep ourselves warm while we play outside?
Being able to let your toddler decide for themselves or help you make a decision is just a little way to let them have that control. What if they make the wrong decision? For me, that’s natural consequences in play. If they didn’t pick the right jacket and now they’re cold? Next time, they’ll pick the right one.
**I would just grab the right jacket as back up for when they realize they made a mistake. But I wouldn’t say “I told you, so!” I would just offer the other choice.**
Don’t give options for when the decision is really yours to make:
“It’s bedtime.” vs. “Are you ready for bed?”
That last statement/question is almost always a “No!” answer. Set you and your child up for success, and limit options for when you don’t need an answer/decision from them. Also, toddlers and young children know when you’re being facetious. Give it to them straight. If they have no choice, don’t give them choices.
“Are you ready to see Aunt Marie?” What would you do if your kid says, “I don’t want to go to Aunt Marie’s house”? That’s not the response you’re looking for and you’ll have a harder time getting out of the house.
Try, “Let’s get going to Aunt Marie’s house! Quick pick the shoes you want to wear.”
That deflects the choice aspect of “do you want to go to Aunt Marie’s” and also allows them to still make a decision about “what shoes they want to wear”.
You don’t need validation from your kid that you’re making the right decision.
Dr. Becky from Good Inside had made a video about this. She said what we really want to hear is:
“Oh, thank you, mommy, for making this decision for me, that was a really good idea. I DON’T know how to brush my own teeth. I DO need your help.”
And all we hear is “LET ME DO IT MYSELF!”
You can validate yourself, “Yes, I’m trying to make the right call here, but my son isn’t listening and that’s okay.” Your child needs to know that you are listening to what they’re trying to communicate to you and, in turn, they’ll end up cooperating.
That conversation can go:
Toddler: “I want to brush my teeth!”
Parent: “You want to brush your teeth by yourself. You don’t want me to brush your teeth.”
Toddler: “Yes.”
Parent: “That’s fine, I will give you one minute to brush your teeth and then mommy will do one minute.”
With that conversation alone you 1) validated their feelings and wants 2) created a solution to where your toddler still gets some control and then you also get what you want out of it as well.
I’ve had this fight so many times before I came across this in my research. I still have some power struggles, but now I have an arsenal up my sleeve. As I take a step back and a deep breath, I remind myself that it’s not worth the battle and to see what’s really going on. This has helped me avoid any unnecessary tantrums.
Set you and your toddler up for success.
If you don’t want them playing with a remote control, make sure you keep it out of reach instead of having to take that item away once they’ve found it. Make a mental note of what’s been a big trigger for meltdowns when it comes to “taking things away” or a space they aren’t allowed to enter. When you’ve discovered those triggers, you can then prevent the meltdowns by minimizing access to these zones. (This goes for bigger kids, too)
Don’t want access to TV? Leave the remote somewhere they cannot reach. Don’t want tablet access at meal times? Put the tablet in a designated zone, out of sight.
Toddler constantly getting into cabinets drawers? Maybe make one drawer or cabinet their “yes” area and the rest is a “no” space. That will allow them to still satisfy their curiosity of “what’s inside” and allow you to have control of the rest of the space.
Make them a “yes” space.
Are you tired of saying, “No you can’t do that,” over and over again? Try setting a spot where your kid can get into whatever you have available to them. Letting them have that control over a space where they can pick and choose what they want to play with and what they want to touch can help balance out the “nos” in the rest of the home.
I’ve personally made the whole house a yes space. We’ve redirected/ reinforced boundaries of certain areas so much that it’s not even a thing our toddler pays attention to anymore. We also make sure to keep things that we don’t want him playing with out of reach to avoid any meltdowns of having to take it away. But the boundaries we’ve already set in place have minimized meltdowns.
He now knows to ask before he touches something new. He’s respectful of other places as we set boundaries of what he can and cannot get into, despite multiple askings of “Can I…?”
This might just be something that only works for my child and that’s okay. Set boundaries, reinforce them, and child proof areas your child has a hard time ignoring.
Add Montessori-like spaces in your homes to help promote independence and control.
After reading The Montessori Toddler, I set up the arts and craft areas of the house Montessori style so that most of his materials are available to him. I really enjoyed the understanding behind this concept and since he was experiencing this at preschool, I decided to have that approach at home as well.
Even though the materials are available to use, he still asks to use paints because we have them stored in a container he isn’t able to open. The same goes for scissors and (sometimes) glue. Until he learns how to open the paints, handle scissors, and use them properly — which he’s been gaining experience at preschool — I feel better having that control.
I leave wipes so he can clean his hands when needed and there’s a small cloth to clean up wet messes readily available next to his supplies. After he’s all done, everything goes back to it’s spot on the shelf.
I like that I created an environment that shows I can trust him and he has the opportunity to choose what activity he wants to do and in turn he knows to ask for help when needed.
Always promote safety first.
There are some times where relinquishing control isn’t possible. Cooking with hot grease, cutting with sharp knives they haven’t practiced with, helping with a fire pit, cleaning with harsh chemicals, they all fall well within reason that this isn’t something a toddler should have control over.
With these moments its best to reinforce safety first. I have a love/hate relationship with a certain youtube show my toddler loves watching but they always promote “First things first. Safety first!” whenever they talk about doing something relatively dangerous. Whether it be safety glasses and gloves, a full protective gear on, or maybe just a seatbelt and helmet. That helped reinforce the idea of “safety first” and we ran with that phrase. Anytime we need “safety gear” or just in general “safety tips” we start off with that phrase and explain why my toddler cannot do something right now.
It has helped us tremendously on letting us have control over certain situations and I only hope this carries on as he grows older and can understand more concepts.
Toddlers are smarter than we give them credit.
So, we think of babies and toddlers as little new human beings that are just learning and figuring things out. Which, essentially they are, but they are processing and learning at a faster rate than we expect! Talk to them with real words. Don’t baby-talk your way through something serious.
They’ll get it. Not right then, but with enough repetition and reinforcement they will understand.
Boundaries and control: they go hand in hand. Give them a little and maybe they’ll give it back, too.
I hope you enjoyed my first post in the “My Toddler Needs:___” series. Let me know what works for you and what doesn’t in the comments! I’m always eager to add more tools to my arsenal of parenting.
