My Toddler Needs: Reassurance.
Welcome to the My Toddler Needs series. Within this series I’ll talk about what drives our toddlers’ big feelings and what we can do to help guide them through their big feelings, needs, wants, and emotions.
Reassurance.
We’ve all been there. The big E(motion). Maybe we know the trigger, or maybe we’re completely lost on how we got to that point. Reassurance is what your toddler is looking for in this moment.
“It’s okay to be sad.”
“It’s okay to be mad.”
“It’s okay to be scared.”
“I’m here.”
Wouldn’t it be nice to have someone tell you, “Hey, what you’re feeling is totally valid and I’m here to help you through it”?
As an adult, we believe this is an appropriate and much needed response for when we are stressed or upset over a situation. So why do we think that babies, toddlers, and even young teenagers don’t need to have reassurance?
Why do we tell them, “Don’t cry. You’re fine.” or “What are you so mad about? It’s nothing!”
Well, I actually found out the reason why. It’s because our brain is triggered by big emotional outbursts. We’re instantly put into fight or flight mode. Hearing a baby cry or being yelled at triggers this mode. If we weren’t taught to regulate our emotions well, our responses could look like someone trying to make the emotion stop instead of helping the person through their difficult time.
Trying to raise a child to be a well-rounded and emotionally regulated adult is something (I think) all parents strive for. We want our child to be an adult who can handle hard moments, have big emotions, and be able to cope with these emotions without destroying their lives.
Getting to that point isn’t easy. It takes a lot of hard work, rewiring your own brain, and maybe little bit of your own tears as well.
Here’s a few strategies you can do to help push them in the “right” direction.
Validations
Think about a moment in your life when you had some strong emotions. What were the words you needed to hear from someone you trust?
I hear you. I understand. I feel that. Wow, it sounds like that really upset you.
I’m sure there’s a few others you’d like to hear. Now think about what you say to your toddler when they’re upset/angry/scared.
Do you say the same words? If yes, then you’re on your way to meeting your toddler’s needs for reassurance.
If it’s something similar to someone saying: Oh, don’t cry it didn’t hurt that much. You’re fine. Stop it, there’s nothing to be scared of, it’s just XYZ.
I’d take a step back and just think if someone told me this, how would that make me feel?
I know I’ve said some of those phrases a few times to my toddler and it would make me cringe after it came out of my mouth. It made me cringe hearing those words come out of someone else’s mouth to my toddler.
I try to make a conscious effort to remind myself that his emotions aren’t hurting me. It’s not a reflection of who I am; he’s just having a hard time. I need to acknowledge this hard time and help him through it.
I mentioned before that it takes a lot of hard work and this part is a huge mental workload. Don’t feel guilty for not validating in the past or future. Instead find moments to repair when you can and keep practicing validations with other people in your life. Soon it will become natural to you.
Relate
“I’m scared of Halloween.”
“Yeah, Halloween can be a little scary. What scares you the most?”
“The… scary things.”
“Ah, I see. Do the decorations scare you? It’s okay to be scared of them. I used to be really scared of Halloween too. I would cry whenever I saw a decoration that was scary!”
This conversation didn’t really happen, but it is a topic that my toddler brings up a lot since it’s October. It really surprised me because he loves watching Halloween themed episodes of Ms. Rachel and Blippi; he even sings songs about it.
I always reassure that “it’s okay to be afraid of Halloween” and there’s other things we can do this month that’s not so scary. We could go to the pumpkin patch. We can dress up in costumes. I even said we didn’t have to knock on someone’s door, we could just walk up and down the street and see all the kids in costumes.
Talking about it helped ease his fears a little bit. I do realize at some point, I should probably tell a story that he can relate with. I was terrified of Halloween.
I used to be terrified of Halloween decorations, going through a haunted house; just seeing other people in costumes frightened me. To be honest, I don’t think I can do a haunted house with my toddler without traumatizing him for life.
I remember being told, “There’s nothing to be afraid of, it’s fake. It’s not real. It’s just a person in a costume.”
I remember thinking, It looks real to me.
So now, I try to be mindful of that when I talk with my toddler and try to validate and relate with him on his fears. “Yes, that is very scary and looks real.”
Giving them stories that relate to their situation really does help show your toddler that they aren’t alone in their fears. I liked this suggestion by Janet Lansbury. She’s brought it up a few times in her podcasts. Her recent one on “When Our Kids Are Scared” brought up this topic of relating to your child when they tell you their fears. She had some very relatable situations her listeners sent in. I highly recommend a listen if your toddler is going through this “fear” stage.
Just Being There
I think the most important strategy for reassurance is letting your toddler know that you are there for them. You are there no matter what — unconditionally.
If they are scared, mad, sad, or happy, show them that you will always be there for a hug or to listen. At the present moment it might look like you’re being the punching bag. Like my friend put it, “be the punching bag, it won’t last long”. It’s our job to show them how to cope with their feelings, it’s their job to release those emotion from their little bodies in any way possible.
Help them, guide them, and eventually they’ll feel that reassurance from you, so they won’t need to express their emotions as big.
