Are you planning or self-regulating? Yes, there’s a difference…
This small reframe has made a huge difference for my chronically stressed brain.
When I started looking at (non-obsessive*) planning as a form of self-regulation instead of something I would be able to fully control or follow through with, I was able to let go of the internalized guilt and shame that comes with, well, not following through or having to pivot and go a different route.
The more I’ve let go of the outcome, much of which is out of my control (as much as that pains me to say), the less I find myself having meltdowns or shaming myself for this lack of follow through.
It’s ironic; autistics are known for their black-and-white, rigid thinking, but I often use the term “goldilocks autistic” for myself. I feel like I’m forever trying to strike the right balance between all of my mental, emotional, and physical moving parts to figure out what’s just right. By recognizing my need to plan as a form of regulation and mental preparation that my autistic brain craves, I’m not denying or invalidating that need, but rather recognizing the overall role it plays in stress management.
Do I still have meltdowns, especially when I’m highly invested in something or plans drastically change at the drop of a dime? Of course. And that’s okay, too; there’s absolutely no shame in that form of self-regulation either. The reality is that meltdowns aren’t pleasant, and aren’t always safe, so my goal is set myself up to reduce that likelihood where I can.
Ultimately, whether the end result is a meltdown or a pivot or failed plans entirely as a result of those things I cannot control once I have a plan set in place, I can control whether or not I use it against myself later or feel ashamed for the ways in which my brain regulates and seeks safety.
Stay regulated,
Shauna
* When the need to plan interferes with daily life/activities, it can cross into obsessive territory. I’m not the largest proponent of the medical model for mental health; however, it’s worth looking into the diagnostic criteria for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder to see the difference between obsessive behavior versus what may be typical and characteristic for autistics.
