Dear African Submissive Mother
No thanks, you can keep your relationship advice
Dear African Submissive Mother,
You told me to lower my voice when discussing heatedly with a man. Because that will make him “lose” value for me. No, I won’t shrink small, and squash my voice, for him to feel tall. I want a true partnership, not one of servitude and subjugation.
You laughed as you learnt about my new boyfriend. Quickly advising me on the latest perfumes and commercial aromas, to purchase. To entice and “keep” him-I’m saying BS to this. A man who is truly for keeps would surely value me beyond what type of perfume I use. Why is it that the woman has to do all the work, changing and remoulding herself to “keep” a man?
You counselled me to keep secrets, and not let a man “know my mind” because that is where I hold my power. Well with all these hush-hush around him, I might as well be single. Sorry, but I see little power in staying silent, and not calling out his abuse and mind-trickery. What good is a partner when I’m not free to express my inner life with him?
You lectured me on ways to make yummy dishes and to showcase my culinary skills because those are so valuable in any relationship. You know, how about I use those same skills and teach him how to cook for himself? I mean it’s not like he was starving before we met. What is all the obsession about women always cooking for a man; seriously, both men and women can cook well if they put intention and it. Aren’t the world’s best cooks male anyway?
You told me to be a listening ear to him at all times, you gave me tips on how to help him heal his heart, and stay in a good emotional space. While this is good advice. Why didn’t you counsel me on ways to meet my own emotional needs? Because guess what, both men and women have hearts that need to be attended to. No wonder women are left dealing with so much emotional labour.
You told me to always make a man feel important, special and loved. You gave excuses when he misbehaved with me, saying, you know how men are” -I say no. I don’t know how men are. Besides there are good men out there who would not exhibit such jerkish behaviours.
Lastly, I’m saying to you, my submissive African mother did you not teach me the value of self-love? The need to set boundaries, and walk swiftly away from toxic men?
Why did you condone bad behaviour in my partners, guilt trip me for standing up for myself, and join forces with my horrendous partners to mock and shame me?
You are my mother and are meant to protect me, teach me and guide me to a healthy life. You were meant to stand guard at the gates of my heart, allowing only the kindest men near your precious gem of a daughter. But instead, you’ve been so conditioned by toxic patriarchal and cultural systems that uphold marriage, male-superiority, and female subjugation and submission, even higher than the emotional health of your child.
This is a disgusting ideology to hold. It causes generational trauma, and it’s inhumane. Yet it’s a sad reality for many African women. Who often are the willing facilitators in their subjugation.
Dear African submissive mother,
Why were you a champion of patriarchy? Why did my strength threaten you? Why have you tried so desperately to make sure I stay under the boot of male domination? Why does my strong voice make you quiver?
Why, why, why?… All these questions, I know I’ll never get answers to.
If there is anything I’ve learnt from all this, it is that I never want to be a mother like you. I never want to make my daughter feel like a second-class citizen to her brother, future partners, or men.
I want to raise a strong woman who knows the value of her voice and can set boundaries against nonsensical behaviours. A woman who knows wisely when to use her voice safely.
I want to raise a warrior, not a mouse; a leader, not a doormat.
Related writing
