Is Your Situationship Just a Bad Relationship?

Photo by Luke Jones on Unsplash

With an endless stream of dating trends these days, it’s almost inevitable that we keep on repackaging the same old things over and over again, giving them this new cool and fresh taste.

Situationships are a great example of this. Here’s why.

What is a situationship?

Situationship is a romantic scenario where the couple is kind of together but not really at the same time. One person is more interested in the relationship, while the other is more nonchalant and dismissive.

For example, a man and a woman date. The man really wants to make things work, while the woman neglects his needs and keeps on dodging the “what are we” conversations, sends mixed messages, and appears only interested in him when it suits her.

The meaning of the term is still shifting and the exact definition and characteristics evolve, but the main point remains the same — situationships are bad, and they’re an unhealthy way to date, whether you’re on the victim’s or the abuser’s side.

Situationship vs friends with benefits

It’s tempting to say that situationships and friends-with-benefits (FWB) arrangements are the same thing. They’re not though. While both are casual and involve lots of sex and little regard for the future, there are critical differences. When two people agree to become friends with benefits, they both know the rules from the start. It’s not a mystery, and so if one of them develops feelings, it’s kind of their own fault.

In situationships, one of the people is usually deceived. The leader of the situationship is not telling them outright that a serious relationship is off the table, but they’re not ready to commit either. Instead, they’re using all the benefits of the relationship (quality time together, emotional support, sex, etc) while persistently playing dump and acting like this is not a relationship. Worst of all, they’re pretending that there is a chance that something serious will come out of this arrangement, and they keep on leading the victim, depriving them of a chance to find someone genuine and build a healthy relationship.

Signs you are in a situationship

There are several signs that you are in a situationship.

• Commitment is nowhere to be found.
• You guys are playing it cool and casual.
• You’re gaslit into believing that labels are needless.
• Relationship boundaries either don’t exist or are unclear.
• Inconsistency is the best way to describe your romance.
• Any conversation about serious topics is shut down.
• It feels one-sided as if you’re the only one who’s interested.
• Convenience plays a critical role in your plans, nobody is going out of their way.
• Non-exclusivity is implied and the topic is avoided at all costs.

Also, when you’re the “victim” of the situationship, you’re often forced to conform to all the uncomfortable and even toxic dynamics out of fear that you will be dumped if you don’t. For instance, if you guys only hang out on weekends and it’s always last minute, you’re afraid to ask your partner to schedule things in advance because you think they might just ghost you.

In general, situationships are sad. There’s one person who’s using the other one, pretending to be boyfriend and girlfriend when it’s convenient for them, and acting casual when it’s not. Then there’s another person who really wouldn’t mind getting serious, starts developing feelings, and is pressured to comply with the rules that break their heart. That’s the definition of manipulative dating if you ask the Once team.

Signs of a bad relationship

Now that we understand what a situationship is a little better, let’s look at the bad relationships in general.

For starters, any relationship where one or both people are unhappy is a bad relationship. Whether the couple chooses to work on improving it or not, as long as it doesn’t serve them both, it’s not the best romance for sure.

So here is a list of signs that indicate that the relationship is not going great, even if you think you’ve found your perfect match.

• You’re constantly feeling unhappy, stressed, anxious, or upset.
• The other person doesn’t respect you (and you don’t respect them).
• There is little to no emotional intimacy between the two of you.
• Your communication is poor and real topics are avoided.
• One or both of you manipulate, control, or gaslight each other.
• You’re fighting often and not in a sustainable fashion.
• Your needs (physical, emotional, or mental) are consistently unmet.

Situationship vs bad relationship

As you can see from the signs above, situationships and bad relationships share a lot of nasty characteristics. Both make you miserable, both lead to stress and anxiety, both can be manipulative, and make you question your self-worth.

There is a stark difference however in what the future holds for those two types of relationships. A situationship rarely leads to commitment, marriage, a family, etc. Bad relationships can, in theory, go on forever until death do you part.

This doesn’t mean that a situationship is less harmful, no. But it’s definitely a good thing that they’re likely to come to an end much sooner than a traditional bad relationship. With situationships, the main proponent of this format usually either grows tired of their current partner, starts to develop feelings and sabotages the entire thing or simply disappears into the void. Any of those scenarios are harmful to the other person, but eventually they move on.

What to do if you find yourself in either?

If you find yourself chronically unhappy in your romance, the first important thing to do is to step back. Revert to slow dating, start seeing them less, and use the time to reflect and analyze how you feel and why you feel that way.

It’s very easy to get caught in the hectic dynamic that’s harmful. By taking a step back you’ll get the clarity back, and you’ll have the breathing room to see your partner for who they are and your relationship for what it is.

Next, fill your time with things other than work and your relationship. Wipe the dust off your gym membership, do more coffee catch-ups with friends, and watch the movies you’ve been postponing for so long. If you’re in a bad relationship or a situationship for a while, the chances are your self-esteem is pretty low, just like your overall mood. Trying different things and going back to forgotten hobbies and friends will do you good.

Once you’re more free and back to your normal self, dive deep into your relationship and answer the next few questions:

1. How does the love affair make you feel?
2. How do you want it to make you feel?
3. Do you see your future with this person?
4. Do you respect them? And do they respect you?
5. Do they have any red flags?
6. Does the relationship promote mutual growth for you two?

Answering those questions will help you gain a better understanding of the relationship that you’re in but it won’t make everything 100% clear. If you can, reach out to your therapist, a friend, or a family member — do it. Sometimes the perspective and advice of someone in your inner circle can be the first step in recovering from a bad situation.

Can you turn things around and build a healthy relationship?

Everything is theoretically possible. Your success will largely depend on how much both of you are willing to work to make things better. Sometimes good people end up in bad relationships, and with time and effort, they’re able to make it work.

If you’re determined to turn things around, here is what you can do as a start:

• Be open and honest about your feelings. This can be hard, especially if your relationship dynamic isn’t the one where vulnerability is encouraged, but do your best to communicate your feelings and intentions.
• Ask the other person to be honest too. How do they feel? What do they want? What are their plans for life and the relationship? If something is bothering them about your union — now is the best time to address it.
• Set boundaries and milestones. It’s hard to be objective about the relationship’s progress unless you have some means to track it.

You might benefit from going to couples therapy too. Having an outsider give you unbiased guidelines and tips is more helpful than we often believe.

How to end a situationship or a bad relationship

If you find that your relationship isn’t a good one, and it’s not getting any better no matter how hard you try and what you call it, the best thing you can do is end it. In the situationship vs relationship that’s dysfunctional, the way you’d end it looks similar:

1. Meet them for a face-to-face conversation and explain that you want to break up and why.
2. Stay strong and don’t fall for their promises or gaslighting.
3. Hear them out. A breakup is a two-party event, so they should be able to share their perspective and emotions too.
4. Go no-contact, at least for a little while. If you were dating online first, block your dating chat, unfollow them on social media, and avoid places and events where you two could meet.
5. Get busy. Take the time to grieve the relationship, but don’t allow yourself too much sad time to the point where it consumes you. Go out with friends, pick up a new hobby, travel to a new location (that doesn’t need to be far).
6. Mindful dating. Avoid going out with new people just for the sake of going out. You can think that it will prevent you from running back to your ex and help you find true love, but if you’ve not fully healed from the relationship yet, you can do more damage than good.

Originally published at https://www.getonce.com.