Unpopular Opinions
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Unpopular Opinions

My Unpopular Opinion About Living in The Matrix

Photo by Florian Olivo

Lately, some of the world’s top scientists have been positing that the universe as we know it actually just a simulation run by some AI, like in The Matrix. At one time, this was considered a wacky idea, but it seems to be getting more and more mainstream all the time. Well, I think these scientists are full of shit. As far as I can tell, there is only one person living in a simulation, and that’s you.

You’re nothing but an avatar, a fictional character that we all play in the video game that is your life.

I should clarify. You’re not really living in the Matrix. Your reality isn’t some dystopia where your corporeal self is being used as a battery to power robots. The fact is you don’t actually have a corporeal self. You’re completely digital. Completely artificial. There’s no “real” you.

You didn’t really lose your keys. Or your wallet. Or that other sock. These things just disappeared as a result of a glitch in the system. Don’t worry: our tech guys are working on the problem and by the next game, the items will either have been replaced, or you’ll have forgotten that they ever existed.

Ready Player One Billion
Every morning is the start of a new game, played by a different player. Every night, you die. Why do the days that you can remember feel sequential and connected as though it’s all one game? That’s just the magic of The Matrix. I wish I could explain it better, but there’s only so much your 64-bit brain can understand.

Some days feel longer than others because some of us are better at the game than others. The best day of your life — the day your daughter was born — that happened while Tom Cruise was playing. The guy is a fucking wizard. Don’t think you have a daughter? Well, that’s because your memory can only store up to 31,100 games at a time, but trust me, you’ve had a daughter. Many times. In one game, she became the first female president of the United States. In another one, she married an 80-year-old billionaire, who then died of a heart attack while they were having sex. Conveniently, this happened hours after he had updated his will so that she was the only heir to his entire fortune. His spoiled children were pissed, but they could no longer afford good enough lawyers to fight her.

Jeff Bezos was playing that time you almost got that promotion at work but didn’t. In the game, he can’t ever seem to close the deal, which I suspect is why he’s so ruthlessly ambitious in real life. Sometimes art inspires us in completely unexpected ways.

Steven Spielberg was playing that time you met aliens. He had such a successful game that he decided to make Close Encounters of the Third Kind. Sometimes art inspires us in very obvious ways.

Ironically, professional athletes are the worst at playing “your life.” They’re always blowing all your money on unnecessary bling or murdering your pregnant ex-girlfriend.

Cheat Codes
By now, you must be wondering why I’ve decided to tell you all this, why it is that I’m allowing you to peek behind the curtain. To be honest, it’s not out of the goodness of my heart. It has nothing to do with thinking you deserve to know the truth, or any sort of guilt over the fact that we’ve all been exploiting you for our own entertainment. Coming clean to you is just a part of my new strategy to beat Tom’s high score. I figure knowing the truth might give you (me) a tactical advantage in navigating this world, which should allow me to score more points. I’m aware that it’s risky. It could backfire, causing an existential crisis, which could land you in therapy or jail. Of course, there are no real consequences. Whatever happens, you’ll forget about it in 31,100 games.

Then again, I could be completely wrong about all of this. Maybe we are really all in a simulation. Or, maybe we’re each in a separate simulation. Or maybe I’m the only one, and everyone else is living in the real world. I doubt it, though. I mean, you really seem like a video game character to me. Way more than anyone else. I’m not exactly sure why. I think it’s probably those dead eyes of yours and that monotone voice. And you seem to be made of pixels. No offense.

We can have opposing unpopular opinions, but share commonalities. Let’s all shut up for a minute and start listening more to each other.

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Ryan Klemek

Ryan Klemek

I write dinosaur erotica and mysteries featuring horny cat people. I also do the book cover illustrations. Sometimes I write reviews for movies that don’t exist

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