No-Contact Rule: Life Savior Or BS?

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Some relationships end with breakups, and sometimes separation is tough to handle. If you struggle with moving on and start sharing your despair with friends and family, they’ve probably recommended going “no-contact” with your ex at least once.

What is a no-contact rule?

What exactly does the no-contact rule mean? Basically, it implies cutting your ex off completely. And we mean completely. No sneaky stalking on Instagram, no occasional texts, and not even running around their neighborhood, trying to “accidentally” bump into them.

While it’s debatable, many say that going no-contact also suggests cutting off your mutual circle, so that you don’t hear or know anything about your ex-partner, and stop remembering the past through looking at these people you were both friends with. Sounds a bit extreme? Well, maybe it is. But then again — your goal is to move on and stop the hopes that you will one day get your ex back. Once you’re healed, you can resume contact and explain why you’ve suddenly gone radio silent on a random day.

How long is the no-contact rule?

There’s no perfect formula for how long you should be in no-contact with your ex to move on properly. Some say a month is a minimum, and we’ll have to agree on this one. Even though you might feel that a week or two weeks is enough, and you’re emotionally strong and stable to handle it, you’re probably more vulnerable than you think.

One of the ways of calculating the optimal no-contact period is to take the overall time you’ve been together and divide it by half. So if you’ve dated someone for a year, your no-contact timeframe is 6 months. It seems like a lot, but it can be needed if your breakup was messy, you were dumped, and you still have feelings for this person.

In any case, it’s up to you to decide, but aim to do at least 30 days, and once the month is up, see how you feel and make adjustments if necessary.

Benefits of the no-contact rule

What’s the point of the no-contact rule? Does it actually benefit you?

Those are all fair questions, and the truth is — doing the no-contact rule can be super beneficial for you when dealing with intense grievances over your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend.

How exactly does that work? After a breakup, especially if you were dumped, a lot is going on inside your head. You have many feelings and emotions, and it takes time to process them properly to heal and move on. As you can imagine, it’s much harder to do this inner work when you’re constantly in touch with your ex. Whether you admit it or not, being around them messes with you. You’re probably not thinking straight, even if you think you do.

And hey, that’s totally normal. It’s weird to see or talk to someone you’ve dated in this new status. That’s why you need some distance to properly get over them, get back on track, and eventually build a new healthy relationship.

Also, going no-contact is a powerful instrument in stopping you from getting back with your ex. Sometimes people break up for the wrong reasons and end up back together and happy.

But let’s be real — there’s a 0.001% chance that this is your case. Pretty much everyone on the “Once” team regretted getting back together or thinking about it. It’s not worth it, and you’ll find someone new who’ll treat you right.

I broke the no-contact rule, what’s next?

It’s not always realistic to follow the no-contact rule 100%, especially when there are kids involved or you have a business together, work for the same company, or live in a small town.

Don’t be discouraged if you broke the rule because of the reasons above or just because you couldn’t resist seeing them and talking to them.

If you’re in a situation where some contact remains, minimize it as much as you can. Say, you share custody. Talk about the kid and all kid-related topics, like school, who gets what holidays, etc. However, don’t ask them about their life, jobs, hobbies, and whatever else. Keep it to the point.

If you’re feeling that you can handle something more, you can try that cautiously, but make sure there are clear boundaries. Otherwise, you’ll probably slip, and nobody needs that.

There’s one powerful exercise to help you maintain the no-contact rule and stay strong. Keep reminding yourself why you broke up. Maybe your last partner was a raging narcissist, or they cheated on you, or your views were too different, and you couldn’t co-exist without fighting. Whatever the problem was, it was strong enough to push you two apart.

Signs no-contact rule is working

If you’re wondering how the no-contact rule works, there are signs.

1. You’re feeling better emotionally. There’s less anxiety, stress, and overall thinking about your ex. There’s no more daily crying or constant itching urge to spy on them online.
2. You start to look at the relationship more objectively, almost like a case study. With time, you should be able to develop a new perspective on how the relationship went, what went wrong, what was good, and what was bad.
3. You are the main focus of your life again. What sucks about breakups, is that you grieve over them and start to forget that you are the ultimate gem, the prize, and the queen (or king) of your own life. Once you start to prioritize yourself again, it’s a sign that the no-contact rule is doing its magic.
4. You get your confidence back. Breakups make us vulnerable and sometimes result in insecurities or a general lack of confidence. We feel that the separation somehow demonstrates to the world that we’re not worthy (which is obviously BS). Renewing your sense of confidence is an indicator of progress.
5. You’re open to new experiences. Meeting new people, starting new hobbies, and welcoming everything new to your life means you’re on the right path.
6. You accept that the previous relationship is over. Obviously, you knew it was over before, but making peace with this situation can be tricky. Once you fully accept that it’s in the past, you’re ready to continue your personal journey on your own or with someone else.

These signs will come to you over time, and there’s no way of rushing it really. Only time can heal, and it will give you the necessary perspective on the past relationship too. But it will only work if you don’t slip and renew regular contact with your ex-partner. So stay strong!

Tips for no-contact rule

We couldn’t leave you on your own, so here are the best tips for maintaining the no-contact rule.

• Get busy. Fill your life with friend hangouts, and new hobbies; go to bed earlier to sleep more, exercise, and dedicate time to cooking. Also, you can finally catch up with all the friends and relatives that you’ve been putting off. And it’s a great time to invite new acquaintances on coffee dates. The male and female psychology works in mysterious ways, and one of them is that being active socially takes our mind off someone, and helps us feel less anxiety and more joy.
• Reduce screen time. The less time you spend on your phone, the less the chance of you texting your ex or taking a quick look at their socials.
• Work with a therapist to figure out why you want to talk to them and see them after the breakup. There is a reason why you want to keep in touch. And if you can’t understand it, you can’t beat it.
• Start dating (but cautiously). This is a risky tip, so follow it with caution. Normally, we’d say you should heal completely before moving on with someone, but, in reality, it’s not always the best route. To get your mind off of someone, you can try and go out on casual dates with new people. This will help you see that there are options out there, and fixate on your ex much less. Just don’t jump the gun and move to the next stages quickly, such as meeting the parents or moving in together.

Originally published at https://www.getonce.com.