Phubbing in Dating Is Ruining Your Love Life

Photo by Brandon Lee on Unsplash

Are you or your partner on your phones a lot? Even when you’re together? Perhaps also on dates, for example, when you wait for the food to arrive and need to “kill” the time? If you are, then you might be contributing to the phubbing epidemic that is happening in the US right now.

What is phubbing?

Even if you’ve never heard about phubbing and don’t know the definition of this term, you’ve probably seen it in real life and even experienced it in your romance.

The word phubbing is made up of the two other words: phone + snubbing

The meaning of the term is pretty simple — it’s when one person ignores their partner in favor of the smartphone. Think about trying to talk to your boyfriend or girlfriend, only to receive one-word answers or no answers at all.

Phubbing can technically happen in a dating chat too, when they see your texts but ignore them or miss them at all, but it’s still mostly considered a phenomenon of real-life interactions.

Phubbing is also not exclusive to romantic life. You can just as well be phubbed by a friend, a colleague, a relative, and even strangers out in the wild. We’re all addicted to our phones, so no surprise there!

Many share the opinion that phubbing became an epidemic roughly when the pandemic ended. We were all stuck at home with a limited number of people, and we could only access dating online for a long time. As a result, our social skills degenerated, and the perception of what’s acceptable and what’s not got messed up too.

Signs of phubbing

Phubbing is an annoying, but pretty simple concept. Here are the signs of phubbing you can come across:

• They’re so invested in their phone that they don’t hear what you’re saying or asking them.
• They’re always on their phone doing God knows what.
• You’ve had fights over one or both of you not listening to each other.
• Your discomfort and dissatisfaction with the relationship grows over time.
• Intimacy, in turn, falls down, including both emotional and physical intimacy.
• One of you is eager to pick up the phone even in the most inappropriate situations, such as when you’re kissing, hugging, or having sex, but also fighting or talking about your relationship.

Effects of phubbing on the relationship

Phubbing is not innocent at all, and it can ruin an otherwise perfectly good romance.

Here’s what you can endure as a result of phubbing:

• Increased loneliness, even when you’re in the same room with your partner
• Additional anxiety and stress caused by phubbing
• You’ll be less satisfied with your life in general
• Anger and frustration with your partner

Is phubbing rude?

Absolutely yes! Phubbing is inconsiderate and rude towards the other person. You’re disrespecting them by not listening to what they’re saying and ignoring their questions. It’s like if you say “Hello” to someone and they don’t reply. Except with phubbing, this is happening daily and is coming from the person who’s supposed to love and cherish you.

How to stop phubbing if you and your partner are addicted?

Phubbing doesn’t have to ruin your love story, both partners have power and control over this. If you’re wondering how to deal with phubbing to preserve what you and your perfect match have, check out the tips below.

If you’re the one guilty of phubbing:

• Admit to yourself that you’re guilty of phubbing. No need to beat yourself up, but admitting it honestly and openly will be the first, and the most crucial step, to fixing the situation.
• Put the phone away when you’re alone with your partner, ideally place it in a different room.
• Every time your hand reaches for the phone, try remembering why you got together with your lover and strike up a conversation with them as if it’s one of your first dates.
• Realize that you can’t build a healthy relationship if you’re constantly ignoring your partner and their needs. We all love scrolling TikTok, checking emails, and texting with friends, but it should never come at the expense of your partner.
• Focus on your mental health. Phubbing can be a symptom of a bigger issue and a way to distract yourself from dealing with it.

If your partner is phubbing you:

• Call them out! Don’t be overly rude about it, but make it a point every time they’re doing this.
• Remember that phubbing (at least some part of it) can be subconscious, and your partner may not even realize that they’re doing it, so it helps to still be kind to them.
• Give them an alternative to work with. You’d think that those things would be self-explanatory, but we’re all built differently. When you point out their phubbing behavior, give explicit examples of how you want them to act instead.
• Have a deep talk about your relationship goals. If you guys are both on the same page and a strong emotional bond is important to you, then having a raw conversation about where you’re going and the next stages of the relationship will help your phubbing partner remember what’s actually important and begin to change their ways.
• Suggest trying slow dating. Perhaps you’re spending too much time together, to a point where your lover doesn’t feel like they have enough time to pursue their own interests and goals. Giving them a bit more space and moving slower will allow that.

If you guys are suffering from a severe case of phubbing, consider getting yourself a vault for the phone. You can find it on Amazon and other marketplaces. This is a box where you lock your phone and set a timer. Nobody can open the vault until the time is up, so you’ll be forced to manage without it.

You can also agree on no-phone time and occasion, and let it slide in other situations. For example, romantic dinners should absolutely be exempt from smartphones. Yet, if you’re chilling at home and watching silly TV shows over the weekend, this time could be an okay period for scrolling and a little bit of unintentional phubbing.

In general, discuss your relationship boundaries. Agree on what’s acceptable and what’s not. It will help you with phubbing, but also many other things.

Final thoughts on phubbing in a relationship

Phubbing is many things — it’s annoying, it’s hurtful, and it’s disrespectful too. However, it happens to the best of us. Given the rhythm of life these days, and how short our attention span is, it’s rather normal to phub each other every once in a while. So if it happens occasionally — don’t sweat it. A big part of mindful dating is picking your battles. Don’t worry too much about the little things. Phubbing is only a problem if that’s a constant occurrence in your relationship.

Originally published at https://www.getonce.com.