The Secret of Independent Happiness Is All You.
This Is Your Burden To Solve.
Forget for a moment, that time he dished out that slap and focus on this gem from Will Smith on his wife and their relationship:
Her happiness is not my responsibility. She should be happy and I should be happy, individually. Then we come together and share our happiness. Giving someone a responsibility to make you happy when you can’t do it for yourself is selfish
I remember the first time I read this quote. It did not make sense.
I thought Will Smith was selfish. He was just looking for ways to shirk his responsibility:
If I am in a relationship with YOU, are you not meant to make ME happy?
Surely, if you cared, my happiness must be your (top) priority!
Oh to be young and now grown!
The wisdom that comes from surviving abuse has made me review so many things that I used to believe:
- If only I can do this better, maybe they will stay
- If only I can behave better in this area, then maybe they will love me more.
Thing is:
- Human needs are insatiable. You pull off this one, and they are grateful for a moment, but once a need is met, they will need another met as well.
It is a never-ending cycle of needs.
How long can you stand running around to meet all their needs and satisfy them to stay and love you and see your value?
The better question is: Why are you doing it?
Another question: While you are busy running around to try to meet their needs- who is taking care of you?
Do you not know you cannot pour from an empty cup?
So yeah- the wisdom that comes from surviving abuse has made me revise what grounds me, what brings me happiness and what my responsibility to others is.
Most importantly, I now know that while my actions may affect you, you ultimately are responsible for your reaction or none.
Just know this: Taking on the responsibility for anyone’s happiness will eventually become soul-crushing.
Don’t do it.
If you are doing it, just stop. You will not pull it off.
“Her happiness is not my responsibility,” Will said.
I agree.
1) Make your happiness YOUR own responsibility and you will always be independently happy.
Independently being the operative word.
Whether they go or stay- you are happy at your core.
Your mood does not bob up and down like plastic on water because you are concerned about the worry line on their face.
“Any problem?” You ask
“No”
You gladly let them be.
If they have a problem- they can, you know- communicate.
You don’t draw blood from stones. No one should have to unscrew an adult’s mouth to get them to talk.
Your happiness- your responsibility.
Their happiness- theirs.
Hand over the reins of others’ responsibility for happiness to them.
“Then we come together and share our happiness,” Will said.
I agree.
I did not just lose my breath and footing running myself ragged to make my partners happy, I also did the same because I thought it was my responsibility to entertain them.
Honey, don’t. Nope. No.
2) We should bring our happy together.
Otherwise, we must learn to sit in comfortable silence.
I can dress up for you because I want to put in the effort with you.
What I will not do another moment is- lose my mind because I think I should be your entertainment.
If you love music- play music.
Love a movie- watch that.
I am a person, not entertainment.
We want to play cards- let’s do that.
Want to visit an opera or a museum? Fine and dandy- those are entertainments.
Again, I am a person. A human. I am not your entertainment.
We should take joy in sharing our joy with others or sharing in the joy of others. This is healthy. This is smart. This is a responsibility of sorts.
What we should not do- wear out ourselves trying to be anyone’s joy or reason for happiness.
In the wise words of Will:
Giving someone a responsibility to make you happy when you can’t do it for yourself is selfish
You cannot make me happy.
That thought alone shows there is something not yet done within me. If I cannot figure that out, if I cannot fix that- how can you?
I cannot make you happy.
What happens when we need a ‘pick me up’ at once?
What happens when life gets in the way- say, a death? Loss? I get fired from work?
You cannot be happy then? Do I also have to feel responsible for you? Put away my needs to give you ‘happy?’
Nah.
In Conclusion:
- Take responsibility for your own joy. Learn how to make yourself happy- independent of anyone else.
- Bring your happy too. Bring your happy to share. Don’t keep a person as your TV to watch them sing and dance like a puppet show to entertain you. That shit gets old for everyone.
This is all the secret to your independent happiness- and theirs (if they want it).
Thank you for reading. Buy me a coffee?
