Why do people flirt😏 despite being in a monogamous relationship?

Let’s put shame aside and talk about female (incl. my own) sexual behavior.

Photo by Katy Ward on Unsplash

We all have parts of ourselves that we keep hidden from the world. Whether it’s a fear of judgment, a sense of shame, or simply a desire for privacy, we often choose to present a carefully curated version of ourselves to the outside world. But what happens when we need to confront those hidden parts of ourselves in order to heal and grow?

In this story, I will reveal a former part of myself that I wish I never had.

There are stories and information about me that I’m afraid to share in my real life. But here on Medium, I am anonymous. I live in Germany, and no one there knows about my blog. You who read my blog know my deepest secrets.

Belief identified

Recently, I was talking with my cousin, who is very close to me. I told her that I had also developed narcissistic traits and during the healing process, I worked on a book by Stefanie Stahl. I had an intense aha moment when I realized that one of my inner personality parts, or my inner child, developed the belief that men ignore and reject me.

Disclosure: This article contains affiliate links, which means I may receive a commission if you click a link and make a purchase. However, this does not affect my recommendations and opinions. Thank you for supporting my work.

The Child in You: The Breakthrough Method for Bringing Out Your Authentic Self

‘Men ignore and reject me’ was one of my beliefs

My cousin already knows that it has to do with my relationship with my father. Because, surprise! He also ignored and rejected me. Alcohol was and still is his best friend. But I have a rebellious streak in me and so a protector* (what a protector is is explained below) in me took on the task of showing the wounded inner child that this is NOT true. That men do NOT ignore or even reject me.

What is a protector*? A little excursion
In psychology, a protector is an inner part of the psyche that serves to shield and protect other parts of the self.
In the book ‘Self-Therapy: A Step-By-Step Guide to Creating Wholeness and Healing Your Inner Child Using IFS, A New, Cutting-Edge Psychotherapy’ by Jay Earley, protectors are described as sub-personalities that can be either helpful or harmful, depending on how they are managed.

Earley’s therapy approach, Internal Family Systems (IFS), involves identifying and working with protectors to understand their roles and address any negative effects they may have on the individual’s life. Through this process, individuals can learn to access and heal their wounded parts, leading to greater self-awareness and inner peace.

Self-Therapy: A Step-by-Step Guide to Creating Wholeness Using IFS, A Cutting-Edge Psychotherapy…

Disclaimer: The information in this article is not a substitute for professional therapy or medical advice. Please seek the help of a qualified mental health professional if you are struggling with trauma.

‘Ah, it was nothing sexual. You probably mean that you tried to impress someone at work, for example,’ my cousin said.

But it was! Of course, it was something sexual. I spent years of my youth flirting with men and manipulating them. I didn’t have sex with them, but I needed constant confirmation, and for that, I used various means, including flirting, even though I was in a relationship.

The protector* in me had to repeatedly prove to the extremely wounded inner child that men pay attention to me and like me.

I didn’t tell my cousin the truth, even though we are very close and know many intimate things about each other. Unfortunately, this behavior is socially accepted, even promoted, for men, but for women, the fun stops.

At some point, I will come out with the 100 percent truth because people who do the same thing need someone who understands them. If it remains a taboo topic all the time, then it doesn’t help anyone.

Gradually, I will be sharing on Medium how I managed to recognize and change my wounds and beliefs.

First and foremost, it is essential to understand WHAT the problem is. What behavior is a problem for me or others? What do you want to change?

To solve a problem, you must first understand what the problem is.

Then we can address the WHY.

Have you ever identified beliefs within yourself that you wanted to eliminate or that made your life difficult?

How do you deal with them?

The two books I am promoting in this story are the most important books I have ever read (and I do not exaggerate). That’s why I am advertising them. However, I don’t want to create any illusions for you. If you have traumas and want to work through them, these are the most important books (in my opinion) for you to do so. But it requires commitment and perseverance.
In my future stories, I’ll keep referencing these books.

I wish you all the best. Never lose hope!