Feeling Like It Is Impossible For Me To Have It All

Melissa Smith
Jul 25, 2017 · 4 min read

June 23 —When I got the guys to fix my phone last night I thought it would immediately be a positive thing. I was wrong. For some reason even on wifi the messages from my daughter weren’t coming in. She has been trying to reach me for the last three days. Her messages escalated in emotion as I read them.

Even though she never tried me by email or social media I couldn’t be angry with her. This is her form of communication. It’s like I tell my clients, It has to be your form of communication or it doesn’t work. She’s a texter and not an email communicator unlike me. On top of everything her laptop was having issues and so things seemed worse. I can absolutely relate. I would lose my mind if I didn’t have a working laptop.

It wasn’t immediately dire, but not hearing from me for three days was not a positive scenario. Being stressed and worried about not making the right decision when it came to resolving the issue compounded the emotions. What’s worse is she thought I was ignoring her as a way to force her to make this decision on her own.

My daughter and I have a really great relationship. We always have. While I am her mother first and foremost we’ve been able to form a friendship from an early age. We share a unique and awful bond even though we are completely different people — she better than I. Both of our fathers committed suicide. It’s not something I wished we shared. I hate it. However, for her sake I’m glad that if she has someone to relate to it’s me.

She is my Babygirl. I never spoiled her though. I didn’t have to. My son doted on her like she was the only person in the universe. He couldn’t do enough for her as the big brother. Her first word was not mama or dada. No, she said her brother’s name. Still, I understood a different side of her and was proud of the difficult decisions she was making. High school isn’t always the best time of someone’s life.

Babygirl was the girl I never was and the young lady I always wanted to be. Never perfect and perfectly human I was and am so proud of her. Instead of arguing throughout her high school and teen years we had conversations. Some of them tougher than others. To say we never argued would be a lie. However, considering the circumstances and topic few people could stay in their cool, calm, and collected state.

Arguing with her now over text is unbearable. With the time difference, school and work schedules there isn’t anything I can do immediately except to say I won’t do this any longer and she can call me at 3am my time. We talked but tensions were high.

I’m going through my own things. However, I’m the mom. I can’t bring my own feelings into the conversation. This is about her. Her feelings. Somehow I forgot to stop thinking of myself over Father’s Day weekend and contact her. Not only did she have all the stresses of life she had a mom who didn’t call her to check in and find out how she’s doing. Who have I become?

I’ve talked about my growth but now I’m not sure it’s all positive. Clearly my actions were selfish. My Babygirl needed me and I wasn’t there. I told her if she needed me I would quit. Leave. Be on the next flight home without hesitation. She knew I was serious. Her being the loving, understanding daughter she is, said that is not what she wanted. All she wanted was to be able to reach me.

This was all a wakeup call for me. In my fear, heartbreak, and solitude I forgot I’m still responsible not only for my children but to them. It doesn’t matter how old they get. I am the mom. I’m 40 and my mom would be on the next flight out to see me if I asked her. That’s love. Unconditional love.

I want so much and sometimes I forget it’s rare to have it all at once. The clincher is we often don’t want it all at the same time. Now I do. When my children were younger I had no desire to be anywhere but where they were. Up until a few years ago traveling the world was nothing I wanted to take part in. Now I can’t get enough. It’s not necessarily choosing but being patient and knowing it will only be a bit longer until what I want aligns with what is possible.

All is well at home so all is well in my world. Only six more months until my Babygirl will simply walk into my office or bedroom to talk to me again.

My end of day gratitude:

  1. A daughter who is so supportive.
  2. A daughter who did end up making the right decision.
  3. The wakeup call I needed to get over myself.

Support my travels.

My Year As A “Roamer”

The daily life of a human while working and living in 12 countries in 12 months in 2017.

Melissa Smith

Written by

World traveler. Virtual Assistant Matchmaker. Remote Work Consultant. Entrepreneur. Bestselling Author. Mother. Sister. Daughter. Human. Everybody is somebody.

My Year As A “Roamer”

The daily life of a human while working and living in 12 countries in 12 months in 2017.

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