
I’m Tired Of Seeing How Awful I Look In The Mirror
June 20 — I forced myself up this morning. It was hard but I can’t keep up these graveyard hours. While brushing my teeth and looking into the mirror it was rough seeing how awful I look. I almost didn’t recognize myself. There’s only so much I can do about my hair without a curling iron. What I can do is put on makeup.
A simple task. Not so simple when you are crying. I don’t want to cry. They are silent tears and I simply keep brushing them away. It took me a while but I did it and I really do feel better. I feel more like myself. Considering how I worked I must have.
I ended up putting in 18 hours today without a lot of sleep. There wasn’t a struggle and I even felt like I was working at a faster pace — my normal pace. My day was familiar and filled with interviews, reading, writing, emails, phone calls. Everything I know how to do well. It felt good to work like me. It also felt good to buy food for dinner at a normal time. What I would give for chips and salsa right now. Some kind of comfort food instead of glutenous.
Being more aware today than I have been I noticed how much pot stuff is everywhere. It’s in the drinks and even in the chocolate bars. At least there are pictures of it on a lot of things. In one alcoholic drink it looked like there were plant leaves. It was on the label and called White Widow. I don’t dare even touch anything. If it doesn’t contain pot I don’t understand why it would have the leaf on the front. Weird.
The day went on and I felt really good about work. I must have because even after 18 hours I was still wanting to work. If I’m going to try and get myself back on schedule I need to go to bed. Hopefully, I’m back to my normal badass self.
My end of day gratitude:
- Besides this morning I didn’t cry.
- Being able to have a really great work day.
- Feeling like my work self again.

