Imagining My Life With A Partner At The End Of A Long Day

April 12 — Taking time off, especially during the week, continues to make me feel as though work is piling up. This morning I woke up and was super determined to get “caught up”. From what, I have no idea.

So often my old employee mindset comes back. When you work for someone else as an assistant and take time off you come back to a desk full of requests and tons of emails. You spend at least a day getting caught up.

Answering the non-urgent emails and taking care of the daily minutia of my business took all of two hours. Sadly, I let myself stress out much longer than that.

Even though I’m leaving around my usual time it seems much later. Letting go of things has been good. It also has a way of making you realize how tired you are. There’s really nothing for dinner at home and nowhere I want to go. For the first time, in a very long time, I wish I was going home to someone.

I’ve written about being lonely in the past. This is different for me. It implies more than sharing an experience, a photo, a meal, holding hands. It’s about having a partner. Something I haven’t wanted in a long time.

Everything I’ve been working so hard for is happening. It’s not a dream or a goal any longer, it’s part of my reality. Before when I was serious and honest with myself I didn’t want a partner. I knew I wasn’t ready. My work was my partner and it got and took everything I had. When I look to complete the puzzle a piece is now missing. Love.

In my mind I had a very real image of crawling into bed and hugging my partner next to me. I wouldn’t have told him about my day and he wouldn’t have asked. He would know already. He would hold me because he knew that is what I wanted. Needed. He was thrilled to be the person able to give me comfort and a safe place to rest.

The reality is I stood looking at a very large empty bed. Then I sat at the foot of the bed, untied my shoes, and took off my belt. With no more energy I crawled to lay my head on the pillow pulled the blanket over me, closed my eyes and hoped to dream I was with someone there.

My end of day gratitude:

  1. Getting to this place in my life.
  2. A house manager who watches out for me.
  3. Not being a bitter woman.

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