Things Have Gone From Bad To Heartbreaking

June 14 — I have nothing left to give. Energy has left my body and it’s functioning on muscle memory. The fear and numbness I once felt has been replaced with pain. I can’t stop the tears. They come on without my permission or the ability to stop. It’s all my fault.

From the beginning I was foolish. I saw him. I spoke to him. I fell in love with him at first sight. I answered his phone call. I agreed to meet him. For nine months I made him part of my daily life. I took a chance and it was wrong. I got my heartbroken and I didn’t think it would ever be whole again. Just when it was I let him back in.

I remember when he asked to come back into my life. I wasn’t sure what that even meant because I was leaving for a year. I let him back in and told him I had not changed. What I wanted before, to be in love with someone who also wants to be in love with me, remains the same. He told me he had changed. Now he knew what it meant and he thought he was capable this time. That conversation was in January. It’s June now.

Turns out he’s still not capable of being in love and no matter how great his love is for me it’s not enough. So, you see, it’s still my fault.

There is nothing wrong with his love. He is a wonderful human being. An amazing man. The way he treats me far exceeds anything I’ve ever experienced. I want more. He can’t give it to me.

It’s funny how intense love shows itself. Or in my case is absent. Last time it was a simple question about a photo this time it was a business email. When your eyes are opened you can’t shut them again. At least I can’t. And with tears on my tongue I said goodbye all over again.

My end of day gratitude:

  1. Loving myself enough to say goodbye to the love of my life.
  2. Being able to sit with another Roamer.
  3. Wonderful memories.

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