What To Do Since Love Isn’t In The Cards For Me

June 16 — The apartments are very loud in the morning with the constant slamming of doors. No one is actually slamming them. It’s how they close. All throughout the day it goes on and on. If ever there were a time I needed to wear ear plugs it’s now.

Today, hearing the slamming of doors meant something to me. It was the metaphor of how so many doors in my personal life have slammed shut on me and it’s useless to try and beat them down. Not every door is for me to walk through or even knock on.

I’ve decided it’s not smart to think about, write about, or dream about love. I have to realize it might not be in the cards for me. Love is not promised to everyone. I really have given it a lot of thought before and after this most recent situation. From a business standpoint if love is what was I selling no one is buying. I would have gone bankrupt 1000 times trying to keep my doors open. There was never a time when I thought it would simply arrive on my doorstep. I knew there would also be a time when I would have to wait and be patient. Instead of sitting around I did a lot of work on myself.

I purposely went through long periods of time without dating so I could really decide what I was looking for, what I have to offer, and if I was ready to make a good partner. I’ve read books, spoken with experts, had counseling sessions. I even created a detailed avatar of the man I wanted in my life. Then I created a detailed avatar of who I would have to be to attract such a man. Not change who I am at my core, but a successful man isn’t going to be attracted to a lazy woman who simply sits and waits. I know because I’m not attracted to that kind of man.

When it came time I did start dating. I was careful about who I went out with. Well, mostly who I wouldn’t go out with. I refused to spend my time with the wrong person. I haven’t waited around for anyone and chose to live my life while knowing someone was out there. But that’s just it. Thinking that was my first and biggest mistake.

We’re told if we want something bad enough we can overcome all odds to have it. I believe this to a certain degree. I’m going to use something very personal to me as an example. If I were a woman who wanted to have children and struggled there are a lot of things I could try (granted I had enough money) to have a child of my own. If all those things didn’t work I could adopt (or people would have you think — it’s not always easy). Some women never get to experience motherhood no matter how badly they want to or what they are willing to do.

In the end nothing is guaranteed. Not everyone overcomes the odds. Not all marriages survive turmoil. Dreams do get crushed. It doesn’t mean you were bad, undeserving, or should have or could have done something different. Sometimes our lots in life seem unbearable and we simply have to make things work another way. The fingers always point back to me.

The lot in my life is that I won’t be the person in love. I also won’t ever be a mathematician, an astronaut, a pilot, six feet tall, and I certainly won’t ever be in my 20’s or 30’s again. I have to let go and be realistic. I have to focus on what I do have instead.

I have my family, my children, my health, and my business. Those are the loves of my life. They are what I will cling to in order to come to a resolve without becoming bitter. It’s not that I don’t believe in true love. I see it all the time.

Once a Roamer told me how her friend thought I was very beautiful and was “unprepared” for my “beauty”. It’s all a matter of opinion, but I was appreciative for the compliment. I was also quick to point out my “beauty” has done nothing for my love life. I see people everyday who others would not be envious of when it comes to looks, but I am. I see the way the love of their life looks at them.

Beauty fades. The older you get often the faster it happens. Even if I could slow down the aging the process I’m still not getting any younger. I joke that at least when you get to my age and older eye sight begins to fade. The gray hair and wrinkles aren’t immediately noticeable when people are searching for their glasses. In fact, I think I might need glasses now too.

No one wants to hear, including me, that things don’t work out. Those movies don’t sell at the box office. Books don’t go flying off the shelf when the hero or heroine doesn’t come out on top. It’s an American thing to think this way. We believe in the American dream at all costs. Even lying to ourselves. I know better and what I have learned from it is I can’t believe everything will always work out. What I can do is be thankful for what I have, move on, and celebrate those who do get what they dream of.

I’m moving on. Every door has been shut in my face. I’ve foolishly tried to break some of them down. I’ve waited patiently for others to open. I’ve knocked and heard nothing back. I’ve walked down the long hallway and the doors no longer even have handles. It’s time for me to exit this building. There’s nothing left for me here.

So, what will I do instead? Devote my life to my family and my work. They’ve always been here for me. Some people may not agree with work, but work has been the most faithful. Often it gives me my greatest sense of accomplishment. If I end up a workaholic it’s because my work loves me back. It’s not sad for me. My work allows me to be with or near my family so I don’t have to choose either. Work doesn’t hurt me and instead rewards me.

I’m not bitter. Of course, I’m sad. No one likes to receive bad news. I have to move on. I have to accept my lot in life. Fighting this war and battle has left me defeated too many times. If I surrender now I can still walk away me. If I don’t I’m afraid to find out who I will become.

My end of day gratitude:

  1. Having a loving family who would do anything for me.
  2. Knowing what real love is.
  3. Getting to do the work I love every day.

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