When Is It Too Early To Panic?
October 22 — Today was time I set aside to work on my book editing. Instead I fought a migraine all day. I haven’t really eaten in the last couple days. I haven’t been hungry and now I need to eat and can’t. Too nauseated. Worse I’m making myself sick because I’m officially behind on my book editing.
Being behind for me means panic. Panic means stress. Stress means my migraine is only getting worse not better. Being bedridden with this migraine makes my mind race. Normally it doesn’t but this time it is. It’s like adding salt to a wound.
Suddenly I feel like something is missing from my life. It’s as if my mind is searching all the deep dark crevices of my psyche to see how I can possibly feel worse. Like the pain in my head and nausea aren’t enough. Instead of editing I lay here thinking why bother. Is anyone even going to read it? If they do is it going to be well received?
Now I question everything in my life. I question having fun and enjoying myself. Should I have used that time to be working instead? I know the answer is, no, but right now it feels stupid to have taken time off even though it’s not time I would have normally scheduled to work. That’s the thing with panic you lose the ability to think straight.
I guess it’s always too early to panic. It’s not stopping me nor is it helping me. The clincher, I wish someone were here with me. Someone to bring me tea or coffee. Someone to play with my hair and rub my back. Someone to curl up with me. Another foolish thought brought on by panic. I wouldn’t actually allow anyone to see me like this. I don’t like to see myself like this let alone want to be remembered or thought of this way.
Of all the things I wish for right now I wish for the adrenaline panic brings and for some reason it’s not coming. Adrenaline would help get rid of this migraine. It would force me out of bed. It would give me the energy I need.
Technically I still have time. At least this is what I tell myself. Soon I’ll be able to pull myself together. I have no other option. I didn’t start to stop.
My end of day gratitude:
- Migraine medicine to dull the pain and nausea.
- This happened on a Sunday not a week day.
- I’m the only one waiting on me at this point.