Why Do I Get So Lonely Around The Holidays?

December 10 — Determined to have an awesome day I jumped out of bed this morning. I hurried downstairs and began wrapping gifts to send to my clients. After that I began wrapping birthday presents and writing cards to send now before I leave.

Imagining the reaction of the recipients had me as excited as Buddy The Elf. Who cares if it’s freezing cold outside? I was writing labels and slapping them on the boxes in my trunk outside the Post Office. Well, that is until my hands turned so red I could no longer write.

It was kind of a downer coming back to the house and seeing all the presents gone. I decided to keep the momentum up I was going to devote myself to the exhaustive checklist for my year abroad. What an hour that was! Most of it was spent researching.

I L-O-V-E technology! Without it I’d be in a completely different place in my life. However, I don’t speak tech. There are way too many acronyms. Combine that with numbers and I’m throwing my clipboard up in the air and walking out.

Figuring out all the requirements and compatibility of devices abroad is pretty boring. Thanks to helpful reviews, bestselling lists, and few phone a friend options (let’s be real — posts to Facebook) and I was done. Point and click on Amazon wasn’t that much fun either. Adapters, external hard drives and covers aren’t my idea of a fun shopping event.

I decided to start packing next. Maybe putting outfits together for the year would be fun. Wrong again. I’m not bringing enough clothes to have fun outfits. The goal here is function and longevity.

Following the list was really easy. I thought it would be tempting to break from the list. Turns out it wasn’t. The last thing I want to be is the ridiculous American struggling to carry her things around and crying as the wheels of her luggage fall off. I saw Romancing the Stone.

Well, there was still plenty of time left in the day. I filled my work queue with Facebook posts, Tweets, and LinkedIn updates. I read for pleasure, journaled, and read a week’s worth of emails. I’ve had lunch three times and wondered if I’ll be less hungry traveling.

With time still left in the day I completed another unit of my online coaching course, wrote some articles, did a little transcription, and watched a couple of interviews. Now I’m hungry again. At this pace the soup I made yesterday will be gone by tomorrow night.

Suddenly I realize that in all my efforts I’m trying to avoid nighttime. I know it’s another night of being alone on a Saturday. Not just any Saturday. A Saturday night in December. Like an alcoholic peering inside a bar window I check FB. Just as I suspect, everyone is having a great time.

Lovers are strolling through lighted parks. Friends are toasting with food and fun. Kids are baking in the kitchen or crafting at the table. Concerts are being held all over and now I can watch little Johnny’s recital live or see little Jenny sing her solo.

I remember when my life had those things. I remember baking almost every day from Thanksgiving through Christmas. I remember decorating the outside of my house and putting bows everywhere. It was a lifetime ago.

Nighttime came. It wasn’t possible to beat. I pray for Monday. While everyone else dreads going back to work it’s what I live for. That’s when I feel alive. It’s what makes me feel purpose and like I belong. That may sound sad to some people. To me it is when I feel most like myself. All the other time is what makes me feel lonely, misunderstand, unloved, unwanted, unsuccessful.

Even with all my nights alone in Nice. It never seemed that way. What is it about travel that is so amazing? Really? I know some of the reasons, but for many it’s traveling with others. I traveled by myself. Yet I never felt alone. All those miles from home I felt more like me than anywhere else.

I just want the nights to pass and to get on a plane and leave. I’m tired of being lonely.

My end of day gratitude:

  1. Sending gifts was very fun.
  2. Thankful for good memories.
  3. So excited it’s finally cold enough to start killing off bugs for the winter.

Check out my reason for making this trip here.

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