Apple picking, a totally unique experience

I am paid to have opinions. And sometimes, my opinions get me into hot water But I’m gonna say it. Fall is one of my top four favorite seasons.

Think about it. What can’t you do in fall? The leaves are changing colors, sweaters replace tanktops, and have you even heard of this whole pumpkin spice thing? This take might be too hot even for me, but in my opinion, pumpkin spice lattes are made exclusively for white girls. That’s right, I said it America. Piece together the remnants of your brain from the wall, because I guarantee I just blew it the fuck up.

But I’m not here to shatter your world. No, I’m here to talk about something far more important: apple picking. I bet you’ve never heard of this shit before. Well guess what, you milquetoast sack of shit: apple picking is real, it’s unique, and it’s the hottest thing to do in Fall 2016.

Approximate visual representation of apple picking

Of course, my discerning reader will ask how I stumbled upon such a hot new trend. Well, it’s simple. I was sitting at my desk one day, ignoring my children as is my want to do, and it hit me: apple juice. How is it made? Could it be that Welches simply drills a hole in the apples and, boom, apple juice flows out? After a quick test with my Ryobi drill and a tense argument with my wife, I knew these questions simply could not be answered through science. I had to go straight to the source: it was time to pick some apples.

I loaded up the kids in my van, put on my most form-fitting flannel, and headed to Flavortown™. Specifically, Flavortown Farms™, Minnesota’s very own artisanal farm-chain courtesy of Guy Fieri. As a media personality and noted gross person, I have huge respect for Guy Fieri and what he does. Flavortown Farms™ has all the charm of a brand extension for America’s most beloved and trusted flavorcaster. But I digress.

As it turns out, apple juice is made by a press. But that’s not the interesting part. Everybody knows apples grow on trees, but did you know that all these trees live together on a big farm upstate? Hell, these trees live together on the farm like they’re neighbors. It’s wild. And you can pick these apples off the trees, and eat them. That’s right. You just pick up an apple and eat it in front of the other apples. This shit is wild and lawless.

The point being, apple picking is a totally unique experience and something you’ve never ever seen on your Facebook feed before. Ever.

Apple picking: try it, losers.