Killing Hitler
Life is made up of a series of hypotheticals. What would have happened if I took the path less traveled? How would things be different if I graduated with something other than a Psychology degree? What atrocities might occur if I leave the toilet seat up? Thankfully, I’m a man of such confidence that I never need time for self-reflection. Yet, even the clearest of minds can be intrigued by hypotheticals. Take Jeb Bush for example. George W. Bush’s fatter, surprisingly less charismatic brother answered the hypothetical everyone is thinking: yes, Jeb would kill baby Hitler.
Finally, a politician with a bold stance on Hitler! These days, politicians are too busy appealing to pollsters and talking about the amount of innocent children they’ve tried to stab, but no one is asking the question on everyone’s mind: would you kill a genocidal dictator if you had the chance? It’s a tough question for sure. But as a father of a child who knows martial arts, I think I am just the person to kill Hitler.
I’ve dealt with a fair share of tragedy and death. Just last week, I had to bury the family goldfish in our indoor porcelain grave. I tried my best to be stoic, telling my children that this goldfish was not dead. No, Gemmy the goldfish was taking a long trip to space! When he arrives, he will travel through the cosmos, doing what he does best: serving as NASA’s premiere goldfish astronaut/scientist. Godspeed, Gemmy. So yeah, I would feel no guilt over murdering Hitler.
As for the murder weapon, I don’t know exactly what I’d use. To help make my decision, I went into our family basement and dusted off an old game of Clue. The game comes with several different murder weapons, including a candlestick, some rope, and a women’s gun. These were just the kind of weapons I had in mind. If Hitler was going to die, it better be due to a severe rope burn or a bullet from the barrel of a feminist gun. You just know Hitler was a sexist. In the end, I think my best shot at destroying Hitler would be with a really coarse rope.
So I now have my murder weapon, but how would I commit the act? It’s simple. I would infiltrate Nazi Germany under the guise that I’m a Nazi. It wouldn’t be that hard: I’m a man with facial hair and a stunning white complexion just fit for German enlistment. Then, I would work up the ranks in the Nazi regime, earning trust while simultaneously avoiding all of those other morally dark murders. Then, when my time has come, I will meet the fuehrer face to face, I will use my trusty rope and whip Hitler in the face to death. Of course, Hitler’s men will not take too kindly to this, and maybe in revenge they decide to roll a giant boulder at me. Of course, that’s no match for this strapping young dad! I’ll use my whip and swing out of the boulders path, swap out the Golden monkey head with a bag of sand, and scoot on out of there. That’s right, I was Indiana Jones this entire time.
So yes, I’ve spent a lot of time on the toilet, thinking exactly how I’d kill Hitler. Critics may say “this is unrealistic, please stop talking about this and feed our children.” But I know the truth. Jeb and I both know that killing Hitler is the only way we could have helped during WWII. How else could we have shown our bravery? Neither of us would have made it far in those trenches, especially with my bad knees and Jeb’s bad body fat percentage. My wife claims that she would try to do something brave like housing Jewish refugees. Quite frankly, I think that’s a pussy’s move. When you’re going to be brave, you have to kill Hitler or do nothing at all. Killing Hitler gets 4 stars.
🌟🌟🌟🌟/🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟
