Girls Can Play Though, a Recreational Soccer Camp

Let me start off by saying that I’m not a fan of this soccer thing. The game is inherently flawed — how can you play a game with only your feet? Sorry, soccer gods, but aren’t we supposed to be using our feet to run? Checkmate, FIFA.

So imagine my disappointment when my daughter said she wanted to go to Girls Can Play Though, an soccer camp dedicated to teaching young girls how to play soccer. It made no sense! My daughter should be doing ballet, or playing house, not participating in a godless sport made by Eurotrash.

But I want what’s best for my children, so I hesitantly signed Olivia up for soccer classes. Now, from what I’ve seen of soccer, I was worried that my daughter would fall into a love triangle with Keira Knightley and some British studmuffin. Granted, that is a plotline ripped straight from Bend It Like Beckham, but that beefcake is every father’s worst nightmare. For all I know, that dude hangs around soccer fields looking for strange.

Every father’s worst nightmare.

But I was pleasantly surprised by what I saw on the field. Despite my daughter’s vehement protests and pointed remarks by several of the coaches, I hung around the practices to give some male perspective on how sports truly work. Despite knowing almost nothing about soccer, I think my masculinity gives me a key advantage in showing these girls how to play this garbage sport.

And look, I’ll be the first one to admit when I’m wrong. Girls Can Play Doe did a great job. My daughter is a soccer wiz kid now, who can both run and kick the ball, at the same time. I mean, this shit is nuts, guys. The coaches had the girls run drills, dribble around cones, and practice free kicks. They even gave me the opportunity to play goalie during shootouts, an opportunity that I relished. I think I made my daughter proud, even if she did aim her kick squarely at my crotch. That’s what good dads do: I will get hit in the balls 10 times out of 10 if it means showing off to my daughter how cool I am.

By the end of the week, I was blown away. These girls were playing sports, something that I had only heard about in Chive posts!! My daughter racked up several assists, but I had the most important tally of them all- I’m a feminist now.

My feminism is coming out in all sorts of ways. Now, I’ll only watch sports exclusively played by women. That’s right, men, I’m watching women’s beach volleyball. I’m not just watching for the bikini clad women, but for the bikini clad women AND feminism. Take that, sexist pigs.

Before, I only saw Michelle Jenneke as a sexy lady. Now, I see Michelle Jenneke for what she truly is: a sexy lady who is also good at sports. Look, I’m no hero. I’m just a feminist.

I can’t recommend Girls Can Play Though enough. Not only did this camp teach my daughter how to become a better soccer player, but it made me a militant feminist within the span of a week! Truly amazing. I believe women can do anything men can do, so long as they’re wearing skimpy outfits meant to attract the male gaze. And isn’t that progress?