Pokemon Kobe, the next big hit
Being a parent comes with a natural inequity in power. As a dad, I am defenseless against any and all conversational attacks from my children. My wife says its good to engage our children in thoughtful discussion, but man, let me be blunt: my kids need to shut up about Pokémon Go.
I don’t know what it is, and frankly like most things my children tell me, I don’t care. I’ll listen when they finally say something important like “Daddy stop looking at Amazon deals, I need to go to school” or “Dad, you left the stove on.” But until that time I’m riding this ignorance train all the way to the station.
I don’t want to talk about Pokémon Go. I don’t want to hear about Pokémon Go. Quite frankly, my children are being really greedy in their conversation points. I’d rather talk to my children about my passions, like how many points I have on my Dave and Buster’s PowerCard. Hell, I’d love to talk about my true love: the NBA of the early 2000's.
And that’s when it hit me. I can have the best of both worlds. I can tolerate my children’s infatuation with Pokemon Go, while also sneaking in one of my favorite topics: NBA All Star and five time NBA champion Kobe Bryant.
That’s why I am so proud to introduce a brand new app: Pokémon Kobe.
Imagine: one day you’re on the street corner, waiting around for your children’s school bus to arrive. It’s quiet, stale, and no matter how much restless jumping up and down your kids do, it’s boring. But suddenly, out of nowhere, you get an alert on your phone.
Kobe Bryant is in your area.
You dig your phone out of your capris and furiously enter your unlock code. Where could he be? Is the 1997 NBA Slam Dunk winner hiding in your backyard?
You scan your periphery, but there’s no sight of Kobe anywhere. All you see are no name Los Angeles Lakers like Ron Harper and New Jersey’s very own John Celestand. These Lakers did not win the Slam Dunk contest. They’re worthless.
You hear his primal cry. Kobe is in distress. This can mean only one thing. It’s as if your worst fears are coming at you like a freight train.
Shaq is beating up Kobe Bryant.
You leave your kids, because school can wait goddamnit, this is an emergency. You spin 360 degrees, not unlike Kobe Bryant’s dunks at the height of his career. This is no time for style points, however. With every degree you turn, you feel your heart sink lower in your chest. It seems hopeless: Shaquille O’Neal will destroy Kobe Bryant. But when all hope seems lost, your phone vibrates. You orient yourself in the direction of your neighbor’s garage. “Salvation is this way,” your phone seemingly says. “Go rescue Kobe Bryant, star of McDonald’s Greatest All Americans list.”
You sprint through their driveway and enter their backyard. Your children are shouting, but Kobe’s muffled screams echo louder and deeper in your soul. You open their garage, and your heart drops: Shaq, the artist who gave us Shaq Diesel, is now giving Kobe a noogie. You flick him away and he retreats off the edge of the precipice that is your neighbor’s driveway. Kobe is safe now. He is finally at peace.
I know what you’re thinking. This sounds almost good to be true. Well, it’s not. I have made a Kickstarter to make these dreams a reality. Please donate and spare Kobe the indignation of being noogied by Kazaam.
