This old white lady’s emails
Sometimes, it’s helpful to get angry. Sure, I could lecture my son when he doesn’t do his chores, but isn’t it easier to yell at the top of my lungs about nothing in particular? It’s that kind of anger that brings change into the world. So with that in mind, let me tell you: I am so goddamn pissed off about this old white lady’s emails.
Where does this lady get off? I never thought I’d see the day where an elderly grandmother doesn’t know how to use technology. I’ll tell you folks — this is an outrage beyond compare. I can’t believe this dirty, crooked politician didn’t understand how to use the BCC field in her Outlook account. The fucking nerve!!
And I’m glad our Congressional members are shedding light on this issue. Senator Tom Cotton raked this old white lady over the coals! He really tore her a new one. I mean, how dare this old lady circumvent basic security measures! I know for a fact that these congressional members care about cybersecurity. These guys probably have heard of “two factor authentication” and “unique passwords”, because these are some of the best and brightest Americans. My son told me about 2 factor authentication but I’m not a Congressman, so why should I have to know about it? Besides, my son was being a real lame nerd. Frankly, that is exactly the kind of smart, articulate knowledge that will get him a one way ticket to Lockertown, USA.
And I am so proud of FBI director James Comey for standing up for our nation’s cybersecurity. There is no issue on our political agenda more important than these emails. Comey has long been a defender of cybersecurity. How could anyone forget his urgent pleas for back doors to Apple’s encryption algorithm after that infamous mass shooting… no, not that one. I mean the other mass shooting. Nope, not that one either. To be honest, it’s hard to keep track of all of them. Anyways, Comey was talking about the importance of backdoors in keeping our country safe. As an American, I am totally in favor of backdoors that will prevent terrorists from killing us. However, as a man who is masculine and straight, I have to say that ‘using the backdoor’ makes me laugh pretty hard. Again, I have no idea what that term means, but it sounds pretty gay!! Now sure, critics/my son will say that encryption backdoors will allow the government to view your data completely whenever they feel like it. But I can’t hear those critics because their voices are so muffled in that locker.
And now I’ll speak directly to you, old white lady. How could you be so dishonest? If you’re going to lie to us, then at least have the decency and wear a silly hat while you do it. It makes all that dishonesty and bullshit slide down the throat a little easier.
You should be angry about these emails, folks. People could have perished due to this old white lady’s carelessness! Imagine that: Americans needlessly dying because people in power misused their influence. Man, if that happened, I’d be livid.
