Improving Conflict Management with Self-awareness and Practice

The Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument (TKI®), published by The Myers-Briggs Company, is a framework that helps people understand how using different conflict management styles affects interpersonal and group dynamics, empowering them to choose the best approach for any situation.

The tool provides a useful structure by assessing:

• How assertive a person is, or how focused they are on satisfying their own concerns
• And how cooperative they are, or how focused they are on satisfying other people’s concerns

Based on the interaction of these two factors, a person will naturally tend to gravitate toward one of five modes when it comes to conflict:

• Avoiding (sidestepping the issue, withdrawing)
• Accommodating (neglecting their own concerns to satisfy the concerns of other people)
• Competing (pursuing their own goals at others’ expense)
• Collaborating (working with others to find a solution that fully satisfies the concerns of both parties)
• Compromising (splitting the difference, exchanging concessions, or seeking a middle-ground)

These represent the five Conflict Handling Modes which form the basis of the TKI model and are used by countless trainers, psychologists, consultants and HR practitioners to help individuals and organizations approach conflict more productively.

Ralph Kilmann is co-creator of the TKI instrument. As this happens to be the world’s most widely used model for conflict management, he’s considered to be one of the foremost experts in conflict management. In a recent video, Kilmann sat down and talked with us about how self-awareness can help people better manage conflict.

Here some highlights of Kilmann’s comments from this interview.

Self-awareness as a critical starting point for improved conflict management

For those just getting started on conflict management, according to Kilmann, it’s best to begin by gaining an understanding of one’s own natural habits and tendencies:

The first step in learning to use each of the [conflict handling] modes is of course self-awareness. I have to be aware that I’m using certain modes too much and others too little. I want to tone down the ones I’m using too much and I want to make more use of the ones I’m using too little, so that I have a larger repertoire.

Practice using different conflict modes

Once we’re aware of how we instinctively tend to handle conflict, as well as the options that are available to us, we need to get some experience using the modes under different situations:

Self-awareness comes first. Second, it’s practice. One example of how to practice would be a role-playing exercise. When I worked in classrooms or workshops or training situations, I would provide exercises where people can play out the different roles — even exaggerate them.

So you tell some people who are low on Competing: ‘Here’s a topic. I want you to make the case to the rest of the group as to why it’s so important to see things your way. What are the arguments? Put some emotion and passion into it. Think about how you’d do it if you really want to get this your way.’ Then let them practice and have fun.

The person who is low on Avoiding and wants to beef up in that area has to practice saying, ‘You know I’m not ready to talk about this now. I need more time. I have to think about it. I want to discuss this topic with a few of my friends. Can I get back to you next week?” They start learning the words, the language they use to enact each of the five modes.

Knowing the range of approaches within a mode

While no mode is inherently good or bad, Kilmann stresses that within each mode there are a range of approaches, with wide-ranging degrees of effectiveness:

Now let me stress that there are many different ways of enacting the five modes, and some are better than others. For example, with competing you can yell and shout at someone and slam your fist on the table in order to get your way. That’s Competing.

You can also say, ‘I want to share with you why this topic is very important to me and why it’s so important for us to do it this way. If you give me a chance, if you hear me out, you may see that I’m onto something here.’ That’s Competing, too.

Or consider the Avoiding mode. You can say, ‘I don’t like this conversation. I’m not gonna sit and talk with you any more about this.’ You can get up, walk out of the room and slam the door. That’s Avoiding.

But you can also use the Avoiding mode by saying, ‘I need some more time to think about it. Can we discuss this later? Can we decide next week?’ This is also Avoiding.

Integrating common sense and respect for others into your conflict approach

Regardless of which mode one decides to use, the Golden Rule and a good dose of common sense should be applied to how we operate. According to Kilmann:

I have found that as people learn to practice role-playing the modes, if they learn to enact each mode with care sensitivity and respect, they’re more likely to be effective.

Want to learn more about conflict? Download the free eBook Psychology of Conflict in the Workplace here.