My top three MBTI® relationship tips — finding love in a world of differences
By Michael Segovia
Like you, I’ve wondered why some relationships work and others don’t. What works and what doesn’t when it comes to finding and then keeping that special relationship? While I haven’t found the magic answer that works for everyone, I do have a few ideas that’ll help your pursuit of “the one” by applying the well-known Myers-Briggs Type Indicator® (MBTI®) assessment to the mix.
First, what is the MBTI® assessment? In my 32 years of studying and applying the MBTI® assessment, I’ve learned there is a lot of information out there. Some of it is good, some of it needs work, and some of it is downright wrong. Simply put, the MBTI® assessment is about helping us gain understanding around how we take in information and how we make decisions. The four preference pairs are as follow:
Extraversion and Introversion — How we direct and receive energy
Sensing and Intuition — How we take in information
Thinking and Feeling — How we decide and come to conclusions
Judging and Perceiving — How we approach the outside world
How can the MBTI® assessment help you find the love of your life? Think about your MBTI® preferences in terms of honoring who you are, and don’t pretend to be someone you are not. Then, recognize that your MBTI® preferences don’t own you. And finally, be open to learning and loving MBTI® preference differences in others. Read on to learn more…
Three Tips to Maximize Your Relationships by Understanding MBTI® Personality Type
Honor Your Preferences (and Don’t Pretend to Be Someone You’re Not)
So often we try to become someone different from the person that we think will make us more attractive or more loveable. We can all pretend to be the smartest, most outgoing, empathetic, or organized person in the room, but eventually all that time we spend pretending to be someone else wears thin. In can be downright exhausting. Instead, just be who you are.
For example, if you prefer Introversion, then honor that by making it clear early on that you need some space on your own from time to time. Or maybe just time with the two of you instead of large gatherings. You can do large parties and family events occasionally, but too many of them can take a toll on your well-being over time. Always having to be “on” in the extraverted world can drain energy from those who prefer Introversion. As a result of operating opposite of your preference too much, you might find yourself more agitated, unfocused, and not so fun to be around.
If you prefer Extraversion, honor that by making it clear early on that you need more time together as well as time with friends and family. You can still spend time quietly on your own or even quietly together, but too much solitary time can be draining for people who prefer Extraversion. Not getting time to give and get energy from others could be why you aren’t putting your best foot forward in your relationships, especially during the pandemic. Find ways to connect with friends and family more regularly to help you come to your relationship with your most positively energized self.
Recognize That Your Preferences Don’t Own You
We all have a choice in how we behave. The MBTI® assessment is about helping you understand your preferences and what comes more easily to you. It’s not about putting you in a box and leaving you there.
So, why do you usually see all 16 MBTI® types with each four-letter type (INFP) in a box? Instead of thinking of this as 16 boxes, I’ve been taught to think of this as a 16-room house. Your favorite “room” could be ESTP (your four-letter type). That doesn’t mean you can’t also spend time in another room — INFJ for example — when the situation calls for it.
Learning how to honor your preferences as I’ve described above is one path toward our development. Learning how to also flex to the opposite of your preferences is another part of our development, and it’s just as important.
If you prefer Judging, for example, consider situations and times when it might be appropriate to occasionally let go of requiring that everything be ordered, planned and scheduled. Living solely in the Judging world can lead to you becoming too closed and rigid in your relationships. Always coming to the table with a decision might not let your partner feel included and considered. Think about ways you can be more flexible and open to the ideas and decisions of your partner.
If you prefer Perceiving, remember that your partner may appreciate it when you have an idea AND follow up on it. Only using Perceiving in your relationship can lead to you becoming too indecisive. This might frustrate your partner, especially when that partner wants you to commit more than you may have in the past. It can be frustrating to our partners if they’re the only one in the relationship making decisions (as well as doing all the implementing).
Be Open to Learning and Loving the Differences in Others
People usually think the perfect partner is the “perfect-in-every-way person.” But the reality is that person doesn’t exist. One power we humans have is that as we all come to the table with our differences. And if we can learn to appreciate those differences, we can learn not only about those around us, but about ourselves as well.
Sounds hard. But the good news is this gives us more meaningful ways to be in love.
The current state of problems in our world shows that this is easier said than done. Maybe it would help if you learned to consciously, purposefully look at someone who’s different from you with a new lens. Consider what about the other person’s differences bothers you. Then try to figure out where this understanding originated. Perhaps something in your culture didn’t encouraged you to be open to those differences. Or maybe it has something to do directly with you. I’ve been known to say, “we often dislike in others what we dislike in ourselves.”
More often than not, those differences in others that annoy us aren’t about the other person at all. They’re related to parts of those differences that we don’t like about ourselves.
What if your definition of a relationship (aka how to relate to another person in a meaningful way) isn’t the only way to understand what a meaningful relationship is?
You might look at someone and say to yourself, ‘I could never love that person. They’re way too different from who I pictured I could love.’
But don’t swipe left just yet. Try a different approach. What if your differences, when added together instead of subtracting from one another, opened new doors to a whole new world? What if those differences actually complimented each other and allowed you to both grow as individuals because you learned the other’s perspective?
Stay open to that person who is different. Who knows…you may end up falling in love.
About the Author
MBTI Master Practitioner Michael Segovia is the lead trainer for The Myers-Briggs Company’s MBTI certification programs. Segovia has conducted hundreds of certification courses in the MBTI. He speaks and writes regularly on the subjects of personality type, leadership, and development, and has presented a TED talk reflecting on how type theory has informed his understanding of his own life’s story.
