Nicotine Withdrawal Rage 101
Don’t Even Look At Me Right Now
I said, Don’t look at me!
All the thing that have enraged me over the last 16 days, nine hours, seventeen minutes, and seven seconds of full-blown nicotine withdrawal:
Tags on clothing.
I’m going to need to names of ALL the people who got together and conspired to put tags on the insides of my collars. I need to inform them I’ve had to hack huge, gaping holes in the backs of all my shirts and jackets with a very dull pair of kitchen scissors. The tags are ITCHY, you motherfuckers!
People who don’t use their signal lights
That muffled screaming noise you thought was a rabid panther chained to a tree? That was me, you road whore…the person behind you trying to figure out why you’re stopping in the middle of the motherfuckin’ road. (Ohhhhh, you’re turning right…don’t mind little ol’ me trying to go from 55mph to a complete stop with no motherfuckin’ warning.) I hope you get a ticket. And that you have to go driving school. And that you have to go driving school every warm, sunny Saturday for the rest of your non-signal-light-using existence.
The Wind
I know damn well you lie in wait for me to come outside so you can blow and gust and carry on like some unruly toddler. Just stop it already with your Arctic cold bullshit — it’s Spring, asshole !!
The Rain
<sobbed uncontrollably in bed all day because I didn’t have a pair of rain boots>
The Sun
Don’t look so smug, shithead. I can’t see to drive when you’re beating down directly into my eyeballs. For fuck’s sake: shine RIGHT, wouldya?!
The person in my house who ate all the Pringles
I know where you live and when you sleep and how to hide your coffee pot, all your underwear, and both sets of your car keys so that you’ll NEVER find them. You crossed a line, bitch…. And don’t play that, “But, I’m only 13, Mom” crap with me.
Unnecessarily Loud Beeping Noises
Microwave, your days are numbered unless can figure out how to shush your damn mouth. I can see my Hot Pocket is done without you shrieking every seven seconds until I open your piece of shit door!!!
Automated Calls from My Kid’s School about the SOL tests tomorrow
Here’s a newsflash for ya: I. DON’T. GIVE. A. FUCK. SOL’s are the bane of our public education system. Plus, my kid can pass them in her sleep, but the school’s incessant carrying on about them makes her so nervous that she can’t sleep.
Staaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahp!!! Just stop it right now.
Card Swipers at Cash Registers
As if chip readers haven’t slowed things down enough already, there’s a new pain in the ass type in stores now! You insert your motherfuckin’ card and wait several minutes only for it tell you that if it’s a debit card, you have to take it out and swipe it. Or is it the other way around?! I’m too goddamn irritated to remember.
The sadistic fucks torture me like this:
- I insert my card
- I wait for my card to be read
- I may or may not have to press a bunch of fucking buttons verifying the amount, entering my PIN, etc
- I may or may not now have to swipe my card because inserting didn’t sufficiently piss me off
- I may or may have to do all of the above all over again because the machine wasn’t “ready”
- 18 minutes later I may or may not get to take my bottle of water off the counter and get back into my car (carrying a receipt I absolutely did not want or need)
MOTHERBITCHES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Okay, I’ll feel better now. Time to make breakfast for my patient, forgiving family. 😬
