Good Intentions
Filled with Love, and Living With The Mistakes of Others
I’ve made mistakes….some pretty big mistakes, like huge …. humongous, extraordinary mess ups ….. you would not believe. The past decade has seen one stumbling block right after another and I fell hard a few times…. crushed. It’s hard not to think, why me?
Because really, why me?
Were they mistakes? Were they my mistakes? I know we all have to own up to our life; not blame others for our mistakes….. but, seriously? They weren’t all my mistakes. And the thing is….. I can admit to my mistakes and move on…. But when others make mistakes that turn the course of my life….. that’s what I can’t move through….I can’t move on from…..
I have trouble living through injustice.
My logical brain can find the silver lining. My other part doesn’t believe there could be a silver lining to pain; there shouldn’t be. Cause it’s not fair. No good can come from being taken advantage of, being ignored …. dismissed.
No good should come from living the consequence of someone else’s mistake
or someone else’s greed
or someone else’s dirty plans.
I would like to give myself permission to be the victim regardless of being thrown excuses about how I’m an adult and have always had a choice. I didn’t have to stay. There was always the choice to say no. I’m a grown woman and no one held me at gun point and forced me into a situation. I wasn’t beaten …. I wasn’t smashed…. I was able to walk away.
And it’s because of my good intentions,
my love of people and relationships,
because of my willingness to do good and to believe good.
To love.
To create with love.
To follow rules and be the person I want to be…..
all of that led me to ….
Shit……
If I were who you all say I should be, I would not have become a victim. True. All of this would be irrelevant and I would not be writing about this type of pain and hurt.
And it all makes complete sense because to have avoided the life I had, I would have had to be a completely different person. And, that’s not how I roll. Despite all the pain I put myself through (yeah, notice how I wrote “I”, as in me, “put myself through”, taking ownership of my shit). Despite all the pain I put myself through, I want to keep being me, with good intentions, filled with love, and hope and integrity. I don’t lie and cheat. I don’t make decisions or take actions with consequences that hurt others.
And I’m just sad, frustrated, because this goes on and on in circles.
Sometimes, I think it’s time to build that brick house (for my children and I) that will finally protect us from the big-bad-wolf and does that mean I give up my good intentions? Because a wolf can disguise himself(herself) as nurturing and loving.
It really seems like there is no end to this dilemma.
Yes, I can build that brick house and put up “ boundaries”, but I don’t want my heart to have boundaries. It’s not who I am. Doing this would make me become like everyone who hurt me. I still want my house to be open. I want to discard judgment and only house love.
Yes, I’m older, wiser and I could deceive myself into believing that I know better…. and maybe, it’s not deceit, because, yeah, I know better.
Can I be happy knowing that I walk around with good intentions and that might hurt me.
Can I just be smarter?
Is it that simple?
No, because the world is filled with leaches ready to prey on those with good intentions.
Like I said, I know better.
And I’m just sad, frustrated, because this goes on and on in circles.
It really seems like there is no end to this dilemma.
