I just want to be myself
I am full of shit. I bullshit everyone close to me including my parents, my friends, my boss, everyone. I lie, I don’t go to work without any reason sometimes, I lie to my Mom about my health, I lie to my friends about my mental state, I pretty much pretend to be someone I am not all the time so that it is “convenient” for others to deal with me. I am so obsessed with people not feeling uncomfortable around me, that nobody actually knows the real me.
When my friends ask me, “How are you?” I say, “I am good. How are you? How is that shoulder pain you had last night? How is your Mom? How is your dog?”. I want to shift the topic to anything but myself, because I am not important, I am insignificant in my own eyes.
I want to be able to tell them the reality, that I am not fine. I feel messed up and broken. I want to cry for help, and be messy and stupid and cry more, but I cannot, I just cannot. I don’t want to hear another “I told you so”. I don’t want to take any kind of advice from anyone. I just want to express myself, without being scared of right or wrong, without the thought that I might hurt someone.
But in all this pretending, have I started to lie to myself too? Maybe I have. I have stopped being authentic. I am not myself. I cringe all the time at things that I say to my loved ones — I want to tell them to fuck off for some time, I need a lot of space right now, but I want them to come back later. But who is going to come later? No one. And that is why I say stuff that is good to hear, I do things that I should do, instead of doing what I want. I am afraid to tell people what I am feeling, that they are not going to like it. They are going think that I am some pansy, who can’t even handle her fucking feelings.
“What do you want?”, you may ask. Honestly, I just want to be free. I don’t want to hear another person telling me how I should live my life, at least till the time I get my shit together on my own. I want them to listen, definitely, but not fucking tell me what to do, or worse, what I should have done.
I know that I am a mess, I know that I don’t take care of myself, but instead of scolding me all the time, reminding me what a failure I have become, I want people to just let me be.
I am really tired. I cannot give any more fucks to others. I am reserving all the fucks for myself now.
Wait a minute — I have an idea. For the next month, I am going to reserve all my fucks for myself, and I am going to document right here what is changing in my life. Maybe this experiment will help me find my authentic self once again.
I hope you guys are with me on this journey of self exploration. I am not going to apologize for being myself over the next month, and I will observe the changes in my life. Let’s see how this goes.
