The AA community
The first time I started going to meetings I took it seriously, just not seriously enough. I think my first couple go rounds I had one foot out the door the whole time. Looking back I believe that was because I hadn’t fully accepted my situation. Pride and my 6 inch ego got in the way so apparently I had to go through a couple more rock bottoms before it fully stuck. Thanks past me and your dick way of thinking, you stubborn bastard.
I have a sponsor now, which I didn’t obtain my first time around. Having a sponsor is basically like having a therapist for your drinking. Not basically, that is what it is. One of the ways drunks and addicts can achieve a once again healthy lifestyle is connection through another addict. Now this isn’t the case for every person who suffers from addiction. My aunt had a drinking problem for years. She was a goofy lady in general, bubbly, and full of joy. When she drank the most I was young, probably 8 or 9. She was a dedicated beer drinker, it was either Red Dog or Old Milwaukee that she drank. Some disgusting beer that is nearly impossible to obtain these days. I only recently found out that most of the time when I was around her in my childhood she was drunk. That made a lot of sense to me, like I said she was goofy anyways but during the time she’d been drinking she was always slightly goofier. She up and quit drinking cold turkey one day and never went back to it. No help at all. A rare case indeed.
Being an addict is like learning a different language while under the influence, and only other addicts will be able to speak it with you. Successfully explaining to someone what it’s like who has never struggled with addiction is pretty much impossible. They may relate to some of your feelings, but they won’t get the overall concept behind your feelings. Don’t get me wrong, I hate people. I truly do. They’re the worst, but I still need them from time to time, and during early recovery for me at least it’s a must to be around other human beings. Especially the folks I’ve come to know and actual enjoy spending time with through AA. Over the next couple weeks I will be doing what I can to spend more time with them. Say what you want about AA, I understand most of the stigmas, but to me these are just people from all walks of life who are sick of giving up, of falling down, of destroying lives, and of throwing their own down the crapper.
Some people quit their poison of choice without help and end up stuck with their negative and self destructive way of thinking. I think this partly happened to me when I was going to AA without a sponsor. When someone is a victim of substance abuse for long enough it rewires their brain and ultimately they become a cynical asshole. To me this is worse than being drunk all the time. I want to grow from this unfortunate experience and one day make it into a fortunate one. I can’t do that without the program. I can’t do it without talking to people. I need help because I deserve it, so I’m getting it. Sometimes you have to start off with the simple equations before moving onto the brain scramblers. I’ve scrambled my own brain enough through my drinking, it’s time to rewrite the equation, despite how much math makes my skin crawl.
