The Guilt in Living

I’m not here to preach sympathy or blame people for living lives of their own. I am one of those people, too. I’m just here to share this feeling that’s quite hard to put into words.

It’s this: I feel guilty for living my life. I’m a Taiwanese, and even though China has been oppressing our politics and economy and throws a war threat every three days or so, the Taiwan strait has been peaceful enough. Peaceful enough for Taiwan politicians to weave public lies and break no sweat. Peaceful for several decades, in fact.

I grew up safe, not knowing much about what was going on around the world, attended school, went through thousands of tests and national exams, and has just graduated from medical school and acquired a medical doctor’s license. It’s been smooth, and I know I’ve been lucky. But during high school and college, the international news from the Middle East came to my attention, and since then, a seed has been sowed. Whenever I fret over the little turbulence in life, be it a blunder in a test, a failed relationship, or a fight with a friend once so close, I felt guilty. And then whenever I feel proud and successful, such as at my graduation and when I obtained my license, I feel guilty. The seed of guilt is sprouting.

I think I’m feeling sorry, sorry for being able to live an ordinary/smooth life, when all those sufferings in Syria and Palestine continued, and I wonder why there must be war.

There are people who strive to help the war victims. Doctors in the forefront. Human right workers. Fundraisers. Movie stars that call upon global attention. What do I do? I share the news on the social media and went on with my life. I thought I was raising awareness, helping in my own little ways. I also tell myself, maybe one day I’ll join the MSF and provide some real help. More substantial help. And before that, I have to go into further professional training. I have to provide for my parents for they’re about to retire and didn’t have much savings of their own. I have to pile up my savings too, in case some accident sneak up on me. I have to… to have my own life too, instead of spending all my time and effort on this thing called war which could have been stopped if all the participating forces took a step back and talked. This thing called war happening in a faraway land, woven with religion, politics, civil rights, and historical sins. What part do I have in this?

But I am sorry for having this chain of thoughts to put myself in a seemingly innocent stance. For all the things that I’m doing right now. For having thoughts and worries for my own future while those children who fall victim to the war had not even the opportunity to think about the next day.

I feel miserable, and I’m sorry even for voicing this misery.