y(our) fault

“I’m just in the cut sittin’ sideways,
way that you lookin’ all the time,
time, it done left you with a broken heart,
hardly excuses how you play with mine,
mindin’ my business and you show up,
up to no good, I should’ve seen the signs…”

I purposefully have not posted my feelings in written form on tumblr lately for a whole bunch of reasons, and they all revolve around you. I don’t think you care, nor do I think it matters at all what I have to say at this point. The more time passes, and the more this narrative gets unravelled, the less patience I have. It’s come to a point where I can’t make any more excuses for your actions in my head.

At the beginning, and even now I still get why you did things, in the context of us. I never agreed with the manner you took to execute them but I just let it slide because I “love you”.

If you make selfish decisions to better yourself, I support you.
If you make selfish decisions because you need to grow as an individual, I support you.
If you make decisions just to go back to your old ways and turn a blind eye to what you really need to work on, then I don’t support that. If I really love you, then I can’t support self sabotage, and I have to speak up about it.

There is a discrepancy in my point of view, obviously. I’m bias to my feelings and how your actions make me feel. No shit. And to be honest, if you ever read this and it pisses you off or makes you hate me; fuck it. It is what it is. At my most cynical it’s like I want that to happen because then it’ll provide me with a definitive reason to walk away, instead of being in an unknown limbo stage.

So, let me keep with the facts.

You abandoned us and our love. You walked away from it. I’m not gonna condemn you for having feelings for someone else after me and you haven’t been together for months, but, its the fact that this whole situation just left me questioning your initial reasons for leaving. Its like our love was your magnum opus project. On the inside, your gut feeling was telling you this is gonna be the one structure/building you create that’s gonna make you feel the most proud and bring the most fulfilment to your career as an architect. Then, out of nowhere you clicked ‘file > save project’ and just left it. In the back of your head you said “oh I’ll come back to it some other time”, then proceeded to click ‘file> new project’, and moved on to a new creation.

I TOOK THE BLAME for the first time around, despite the lack of communication being a two way street. I still took the blame. I can’t say or do the same this time around. That would be doing us both an injustice.

Now, imagine my surprise when I read some of your recent captions. If I recall correctly, at the start of this year you made it clear to me that you’re not even sure if you’re in a position to even be looking for a soul mate nor anything resembling that sort of passion or commitment because you’re “focused on yourself, and don’t even know yourself well enough yet.”

These ****** is mere motherfuckin’ mortals. I’m tryna push you to supreme bein’. You don’t wanna motherfuckin’… 
You don’t wanna embrace your destiny, you wanna get by,
You don’t wanna go into the motherfuckin’ dark where it’s lonely. You can’t handle the motherfuckin’, the pain of the motherfuckin’ not knowin’ when the shit is gonna stop

Seems mighty convenient how months later your demeanour and actions online say otherwise. Hell of a quick turnaround time for that growth and change. So, in my time of despair I’ve come to three certainties as conclusions in my head: 
1. You’re emotionally impulsive.
2. You’re lost in trying to rediscover and accept who you really are.
3. You don’t confront real emotional barriers or challenges. You just walk away and would rather push it under a rug, even if it’s something as real as true love. Out of sight out of mind type of mentality.

And to be frank, it really doesn’t affect me emotionally in any way that you have someone else in your life right now trying to play my part in your heart. I’ve been in this position before; this ain’t my first rodeo.

None of these kids phase me.

“Cause those other man are practice, 
& this ain’t no time for games,
& this ain’t no time for uncertainty…
but you know how this shit go.
this is not two years ago,
time escapes me now; forget how it felt when this shit moves slow”

What does phase me and what I can’t stand to witness is if you aren’t taking care of yourself and your needs, which you made very clear to me at the beginning of this year was your number one priority.

It’s all the repercussions that come with you not fully grasping those things you struggle with as a person that worries me and gets me even more upset. For your sake and happiness I hope I’m wrong and being emotional, and that you’re taking the right steps. Maybe even seeing this person is the right thing for you at this moment. But I also can’t help but feel like this isn’t what you need right now (how dare do I feel like I know what’s right for you?). You need yourself right now, and it doesn’t take half a year to resolve or come to grips with ourselves.

Running from what really has to be addressed or attempting to cover it up with something else will just throw you in a never ending spiral pattern of you reacting the same way when put in “overwhelmed” and under pressure situations. That just equates to a lonely and predicable life. Which I know for a fact is not what you want.

Laying underneath your captions and the energy you put out online, I can sense the real you, even from two planets away. I can still feel the [love] sense of not feeling quite there yet, and that’s my beef! That’s my concern, because it doesn’t take someone new or someone who happens to show up at the right time and introduce you to another person who can speak on your struggles. Regardless of all of that, as helpful as it may be, it only takes you to start making those changes on your own. But, you’re still letting fear encompass you and guide your actions.

“No reward, then what’s the risk you takin’?”

Tell me if I’m being delusional but theres still something in the air between me and you. There was no definitive end. You know why? Cause there probably never will be. No one can take that feeling and vibe away from me. No matter how many illusions you put out to make it seem otherwise.

It’s like you want to forget about me at face value, but at the same time you can’t fully do it. Why? Actually, you know why. I shouldn’t have to write it out.

The funny thing is I’m probably stepping on your toes and touching aspects of your life at this point that don’t concern me anymore. Writing all of this at 3am is probably a direct retaliation from seeing you with your new “ten-year ago swag” boyfriend at the store. I seen him constantly looking at me while I was in the middle of an appointment at the bar. I was a little offended that you came in with him, so much that I had to double check.

Did you tell him about us? If you ever do, I’m sure it’ll haunt him and anyone after him. There’s no one in this galaxy or universe that will make you feel the way I do. No one who can comfort your heart and soul the way I do. No one that makes you nervous every second when you’re together with them. I’ve done, written, said, and created enough for me to get my point across.

You just choose to ignore it.

I’m probably the villain in your eyes at this point, and I don’t blame you or him. I feed off of fear these days. If he asks for my name just tell him it’s “candyman”; say my name and I’ll appear.

PS.

A wise man once told me the following:

•If she’s your match, you better be her flame
•Don’t let love burn out
•Don’t ever let love burn out

and

Love is rare, so when it’s real, be there.