Member-only story
I Refuse To Accept Conditional Love, Support, or Acceptance
It’s either genuine and unconditional, or I don’t want it
My whole life I’ve been loved with conditions.
As a child, I was only loved if I got good grades, behaved well, or met my parents’ expectations of me. If I excelled in school, I received praise and affection. But if I was anything less than perfect, that warmth turned cold, and I was met with disappointment and indifference.
If I expressed myself, I’d get punished. If I expressed hurt, frustration, or anger, the punishment was even harder. I’m not talking about physical punishment, but the emotional withdrawal, the anger outbursts, and the silent treatment. Mental and emotional violence are very real too — especially when we’re children.
For those reasons, I learned very early on that love was something I had to earn. It was a reward for compliance, a fragile gift that could be taken away at any moment.
This kind of conditional love shaped me, made me cautious, made me feel like I had to earn my place in the world. It taught me to hide my true self, to suppress my emotions, and to wear a mask to be loved and accepted. It also taught me that my needs and feelings were irrelevant. In fact, I was irrelevant. Unless, of course, I was neglecting myself to make someone else happy. Another condition.
As I grew older, the conditions just changed shape. Friends loved me when I was fun and available but vanished when I needed support. Partners loved me when I fit their image of who I should be but turned cold when my flaws showed through.
This kind of love is exhausting. It’s not love at all; it’s a transaction.
It was only when I met my current partner, 7 years ago, that I realized how unbalanced my views on love were. I still remember how inadequate and unworthy I felt at the beginning. I had no idea of how to receive love — simply receive, without having to earn it or prove my worth.
Even now, all these years later, I still have days where I’m astonished at how freely and unconditionally he loves me. It’s like… So, I get to simply be loved? I don’t need to achieve, perform, or meet a set of expectations? I don’t need to sacrifice…
