Marriage is the only M word

I believe every story must be told. I hate it when I have to say less than I really want to, in order to appeal to people, or in order to be agreeable. My opinion is that being agreeable is a signal that your NO muscle is weak, because every time, you are faced with opposing views, you back up a little, to be more accommodating. And I think Journalists should always have free range of expression; and I consider myself a journalist.
 That being said, I would like to come on to the topic of getting married. But not just the issue of settling down with a spouse, there are other issues such as getting older, witnessing friends get married and have their own children. There is also the critical subject about how a person’s upbringing influences their marriage decisions (as far as spouse selection is concerned). Now, Of course, I am the subject of this article, so I will be taking the issues one after the other.
 First, settling down. I cannot seem to make up my mind about getting married. I want to get married, however I am not pursing it. In fact, I don’t know how it is going to happen. I was raised largely by my mum, since my parents were separated, and I didn’t understand what being a family unit meant. I did not have that experience. I didn’t know what I was lacking at that time, but now, I understand what I missed out on, and now I know that having a balanced support system is very important in raising children properly. I hope I am not damaged, but just so you know, I don’t regard myself as being damaged. Or at least not completely damaged. I will admit a bit of weirdness going on for me. For instance, I don’t understand what loves means. I don’t quite get the idea of love honestly, but today after watching a video of my aunt dancing with her late husband I knew that love was closely linked to happiness and joy. And since her husband’s death, my aunt has not radiated the kind of joy I saw in that video clip. Watching that video made me realise the physical manifestation of having love in a person’s life. Well, I didn’t see that love connection growing up (it seemed one sided anyway, my mum loving my dad and my dad taking that love for granted) , and my mum had to adjust to being a single parent. I am sure she would have preferred to have been happily married, but the marriage was difficult for her physically and emotionally.
 I cannot admit that a person’s upbringing has no influence on who they became. Some people say that it doesn’t matter what was done or not done by your parents, you are the architect of your life. Sounds like good thinking but do you really believe this school of thought to be entirely correct? I just think that a person is not an island and different experiences make us who we are. And in the end, we all have to make often difficult choices based on our experiences. We can either raise above our experiences or we can be defined by all the ill events that have befallen us. So I am sceptical about starting a family, partly because of my upbringing. I will admit that. A former colleague (true story guys) was taunted by her co-workers because she was in her forties and was still single. Obviously, I can imagine that she had planned better for herself but her first marriage never happened. The groom did not show up at the wedding! And she needed time by herself. It was her choice.
 Do you know I cannot quite figure out how old I look, or what roles I am supposed to be playing at this age (whether I should have been married by now, whether I should have had my PhD by now; those kinds of roles/things). Trust me I am startled whenever I come across people addressing me as Sir or when my nieces (I have 6 of them) call me uncle. Often times, I am tempted to say, “Just chill out; I am not that old”. I have often said that I am confused by age and time. Honestly, I feel uncomfortable just counting days. A person’s life should be more meaningful. It doesn’t have to be about the job and the family. Besides us finding a purpose for lives, why is it that society puts a timeline to everything? There is a time bracket for getting married, and for having kids, and for going to school and so on. We must align our lives with these imaginary standards or be regarded as being abnormal. I got a call from a friend wanting to know if a mutual friend of ours was a lesbian. Why? Because she was in her thirties and was still single. Oh boy! What nonsense must they be saying about me too! When I was about 13, I remember being quizzed by my aunt’s neighbours about why I had only one cousin. My cousin was about 5 and everyone wanted to verify from me (a 13 year old boy) why my aunt had not gotten pregnant with another child. The truth is that society concerns themselves with other people’s lives. It is the only way they know to how to distract themselves. These days If anyone tries to get me involved in such discussions, I just tell them that I am not interested.
 We constantly think we are in competition with the rest of the world; and maybe we are. Don’t mind those people saying that we should just run our own races. Do you notice they are often at the pinnacles of their careers? Gentle reader, competition is good. Competition is the reason you are sticking with this job you are half interested in, competition is the reason you are taking bullsh*t from bullsh*t customers. We all want to make money and buy nice (you know what). We are all competing for either of these or all: money, fame and fortune. Ok, I don’t know where getting married and having kids fall into the previously mentioned categories but I am certain many of us race to get married and have children because other people are doing it. If you do not live in Nigeria, you will probably not understand the previous statement.
 I am a member of a chat group made up of my university classmates and almost everyone has a baby already. When we all met, most of us were about 17years old. Now, just over a decade later, half of the class have their own families? In fact, there is an emerging sub chat group for nursing mothers? Good gracious!
 We (referring to my university class mates) have always competed against each other. Right from the first day we set eyes on each other during admissions. We competed through school:
 Who was reading the most number of hours? Who had the most number of past questions papers? We competed right after school: Who was the first to get a placement for internship? Who was serving as a youth corps in good states in the country? Who had started their masters-abroad?
 Now, people are getting married, and likewise there seems to be a race. Does it bother me that my friends are getting married? Yes. What? Am I not supposed to be bothered? Am I a witch or something? Don’t I have feelings? I desire to have own family I want to be able to give my family what I did not have growing up but I want it to happen naturally, and not because I am being compelled to.
 Finally, people ask me what I am looking for in a spouse and whenever I say I am looking for someone who likes to exercise, they conclude that I am being superficial. I hope not to get married to someone who doesn’t take their health seriously. I cannot get married to someone who doesn’t not regard their health as a priority. I cannot. Yes, I am fat, but my health is (and will always be) one of my biggest priorities. I love my mum dearly and her death was unfortunate. She died from heart disease at just 55 years. Even though I was 23 when she died, I was too young. Since then, I have taken my health seriously (I work out six days a week, I eat a portion of vegetables every day, and there is an embargo on the amount of junk food I am allowed to ingest every month) and I expect the same amount of commitment from whoever is going to me my Mrs . Look guys, no matter our varying opinions, we must be on the same side as far as these topics are concerned: raising kids, religion, health and finance. Our upbringings obviously influence who we choose. I was raised to be respectful to elders and to be nice to people and to always say Thank you and please. So I cannot engage a person who feels it is Ok to insult a waiter or a sales attendant. I watched my mother save and invest, and because of that, I manage my finances WELL. So, I cannot end up with someone who has no regards for saving or for investing. I plan to raise my children well, so I need someone with the same attitude towards parenting.
 Getting married is a hot topic for me, right now. Hopefully, it would not be so in a couple (puns were fired!) of years. Hopefully.

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