SELF-AWARENESS
I Faced My Grief To Get Back to My Passions
Finding words after losing my dad
Grief often hits you in waves. But the grief of losing my father hit me even before he passed away on 5th October 2023. In mid-August, he was hospitalised. He was undergoing dialysis since July 2020. The dialysis years were incredibly tough on him and that took a toll on us as a family. He lost too much weight and seeing the pricks of the needle on his arms always left me teary-eyed.
Dad underwent dialysis thrice a week, sometimes four if the body stored excess water. There were days when getting ready to leave for the dialysis clinic he would say to me, ‘I don’t want to go. I feel too tired.’ My mom, the iron woman that she is, pacified him and convinced him that this was just going to make him stronger. However, with time, she knew in her heart that my dad was slowly losing the will to live.
Still, he fought his way through the pain in the hope that one day he would heal. But alas, he never did. On days I returned from work when my father was at the dialysis clinic, Mom often told me how she used to observe Dad talking to the picture of lord Ganesh in the living room. She somehow felt that my father was praying to him to relieve him from his pain. She knew that he believed he was causing us too much pain with his suffering. But time and time again we reminded him that being here with us is what kept us happy even though these are tough times.
As things got worse, I stopped writing. I didn’t have the time or the motivation to write anymore. How could I when my biggest champion, my father, wasn’t there to read it? He used to forward my written work fondly with his friends and his loved ones. He was so proud of my work that he wanted to announce it to as many people as he could. As I am writing this I am choking up.
In the last week of August, my father suffered a brain stroke. On the day of the surgery, I had a dream about him early in the morning. In the dream, he had just showered and he came and sat next to me on my bed. I was sleeping and he woke me up and smiled. He told me to take care of myself and the family. He said that he was fine and we shouldn’t worry. He told me to behave and always remember that I am the best daughter ever born in this world.
After surgery, he barely stayed awake. Every time I visited him at the hospital he would be asleep. I tried talking to him even though I knew he couldn’t hear me. Maybe it was my own way of saying goodbye. Slowly, my family and I saw him wither away. We couldn’t see him in so much pain. The last time that he spoke to me, he said, “It's hurting me everywhere.” That night I came home and cried all night praying that god relieves him of his pain.
To see your loved one suffer is probably one of the greatest pains you will ever feel. And then, finally, god listened to our prayers and took him into his shelter on 5th October.
When my father was hospitalised, I cried every single night. But on the day of my father’s funeral, the tears wouldn’t come. It’s as if they just dried. As the days went by, I thought I could get back to writing. But the words just wouldn’t come.
Soon, I started to think I was not a writer anymore. I didn’t have the flair to string words together and make them beautiful. As my efforts to write were in vain, I tried to figure out why words wouldn’t come to me. However, my mom and my near and dear ones often asked why I didn't write anymore. I brushed them away saying I didn’t have the time. But the truth was, I wasn’t ready to face my grief and let those emotions flow through words.
I feel like I am not ready to confront the emotions grief brings. But I feel it’s time and need to face it before I can finally start writing again.
So, here I am taking the first step to get back to my words. I hope that from now on, I find myself experiencing the joy of getting lost in words and sharing my life lessons with everyone. The biggest life lesson at the moment is — you can’t make space for creativity until you let go of the feelings buried inside your heart and mind. Face your pain, find an outlet to release it, and let the spark of creativity ignite your ingrained passion.
Thank you so much for your time!
