Aftertime — Thirteen

“I can’t believe this!” I roar, rushing over to the door and checking the three padlocks again.

We made it back to the library once morning came, having run all the way home. I didn’t know, at the time, why Trev was so freaked out still, but once we got inside, and he locked the doors in a frenzy, I knew what he wanted to tell me wasn’t going to be good.

And it’s not. In fact, it’s the worse thing he could have ever said to me.

I’ve been betrayed. I feel my heart shatter as I think about the last few weeks we’ve been together, knowing he was just scoping me out for the takeover.

I really want to cry, but I don’t. I turn to him again, arms crossed, and stare him down. I don’t know where to even begin with sorting my thoughts and emotions, so I don’t. I let them take over, and I let my words fly out of my mouth like tiny homing missiles locked onto Mr. Back-Stabber.

“You…” It comes out as a hoarse whisper, and Trevor opens his mouth to say something. I don’t let him. “YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!”

The words echo in the library, attacking him over and over until it finally falls silent. I watch him stare down at the floor, his fists clenching and unclenching.
“I can’t believe you did this. After everything we — after all the stuff you said! I can’t…” I’m losing it, my mind is spinning and all I can think about is my dad saying, never trust anyone.

He was right. He was always right.

“I want you to leave,” I tell him finally, walking over to sit on the sofa. The sofa that I thought was for us. The sofa he only brought here for the sake of his dumb leader. I feel disgusted.

He turns to me, still looking down, and moves closer to the sofa. He knows better than to sit next to me, so he sits on the edge of the coffee table.

I avoid his eyes.

“Maddy, please. I’m sorry — ”

“You’re sorry!?” It comes out as a scream in his face, as I lean forward in my fury. “You show up, eat my food — that I gathered — sleep in my home — that I’ve maintained and protected — and try to play House with me by trying to get in my pants, only to turn around and tell me that your plan all along was to STAB me in the back. And you’re SORRY?!”

“Maddy — ”

“Fuck you, Trevor! FUCK YOU!” And with that, the water dam overflows and my tears stream out, uncontrollably. I don’t care that he’s sitting in front of me, watching me. I cry, and I cry some more. And the tears and snot mingle on my face as I try to wipe away how pathetic I am on my sleeves.

After the worst of it, Trevor tentatively places a hand on my snot-covered one. I look up, sort of shocked, but I also unfortunately feel grateful for his presence. How stupid am I?

“Maddy,” he whispers gently, and I allow him to talk this time. “I know I’m an asshole. I know that everything I’ve done is wrong, and I regret it. But I promise you that not everything I did and said was fake. I swear to god I meant what I said in the car. I swear what happened back there — ”

“Please, stop.” I intend for the words to come out strong and calm. Instead I am left whimpering, sniffling as I try to say the words clearly. “I can’t take anymore, Trevor… I can’t take feeling like this anymore…”

The uncertainty, which had started to fade more and more everyday I spent with him, is back tenfold. I feel like I can’t trust him again, or anyone. I feel so alone. Alone and afraid. Because now my whole life would have to change. I would have to pack up and leave and start again somewhere else. Do I even have that left in me? Could I really leave the library, which has been my home for years now?

Do I have a choice?

“I’m so sorry,” he whispers again and I finally look up to meet his eyes. But he’s not looking at me. He’s got his face buried in his hands, and… is he crying?

“I can’t take back what I’ve done,” he says through his fingers, choking back his emotions. He has much better control than I do. “And I don’t know how to make it better but, Maddy…” Finally, he removes his hands and I stare into his tear-dampened eyes. My heart sinks at the sight of it.

“Please let me try.”

It’s night again, and the skies have broken open to drench the library in it’s wet, salty tears. The thunder has been rolling all day, and no matter how much I bundle up, I can’t seem to get warm. I shiver, and my teeth chatter, and I watch as Trevor paces the room before me.

Back and forth, back and forth.

All day long.

My anger has subsided for now, as I force myself not to think about it — the lies, the coverups, the kiss — I shove it all away. I shove it all away and think about my dad, and my mom. I think about when we were a family, and before mom started drinking. I think about when dad taught me how to change the locks, and when mom showed me how to properly wrap a birthday present, complete with a handmade ribbon.

I think about them, and all they had, and how happy we all were.

And then we weren’t.

The tears threaten to spill again and I can’t let that happen, so I stand from my spot on the sofa and walk over towards the food. I don’t feel hungry, but I haven’t eaten all day. I reach for the first thing I see — dehydrated seaweed — and pop open the package. I chew loudly to block out my own thoughts.

After a while, Trevor stops pacing. We’re at the table, across from each other, my head resting on my arms crossed on the surface. Trevor is distracted, staring down at his lap as he counts something on his fingers more than once.

“What do we do?” I whisper, but I don’t look up.

“We leave.”

So easy for him to say.

Or maybe it isn’t… how should I know?

“I don’t want to leave,” I say. “This is my home.”

He looks up at me, as I do him, simultaneously. We stare into each other's eyes for a moment, and I see so much pain there. Have I been insensitive to how he feels about this whole thing? He did try to stop it, right? Just a little too little, a little too late.

“I know, Maddy. It’s come to be my home too,” he says, cautious of his wording. “But we don’t have a choice. They’ll find this place in no time, if they’re already that close by. We can’t be here when they show up. They’re going to take this place, one way or another.”

“They sound like a great bunch of people,” I say, eying him with disdain. I don’t hate Trevor, I know that. I just can’t believe what he’s done — what he was about to do. Did he even think about what would have happened to me? Did he even care?

Not until he knew he had a chance.

Or maybe his dad told him not to trust anyone, like mine.

Maybe he was just planning for his future. The future he thought he was stuck with. Like I planned with this library. I thought I’d grow old and die here, if I survived that long. Now I don’t know if I’ll even survive, let alone be able to stay in the library. It seems impossible.

Trevor takes in a long, deep breath. I copy him.

“My mother is there,” he mutters so quietly, I barely hear him at all. “He — Cowboy — said he’d get rid of her, if I didn’t start providing. He said…”

So he does have a family. I feel stupid now because I’m jealous of him, but I try to refocus on his words. His mother is being held captive? By someone named Cowboy? When he doesn’t continue, I sit up straight, arms crossing my chest.

“Why didn’t you just tell me?” I ask as calmly as I can manage.

He looks up. His entire body looks defeated. “I was — you have to — it was because…” he stammers, then stops himself. Another deep intake of air later and his words are coming out again. “I didn’t think I could trust you. You’d understand if you knew what I grew up with. I was never able to let my guard down, not after…” he trails off, and his eyes seem distant now. He’s in another place and time, thinking about something that haunts him still.

“After what?” I press on. I deserve to know what drove him to this. I deserve to know why he was so willing to betray me, and why it was so easy to do.

Trevor snaps back, his green eyes sparkling with the single lit candle’s flame. There’s a deep pain underneath it all. Under all those jokes, and his easygoing way, there’s a darkness. I know it. I can see it.

Because I have that darkness, too.

“After my brother was killed.”

The words fall flat in the empty, cold library. Suddenly, I feel a chill shoot up my spine, past my neck. It travels so far, it escapes my lips as a tiny gasp, and I stare up into Trevor’s drowning eyes.

He’s crying.

My eyes widen for only a moment, and the sudden need to comfort him and make everything better takes over me. I reach over the table, palm up, and after looking briefly at me, he places his hand into mine. I squeeze his cold fingers between my hands and try to rub some life into him again. I don’t know what to say, or do, or feel. But I hold his gaze for as long as he holds mine.

He looks away before I can see anymore tears spill out.

“Trevor, I’m — ”

“You don’t have to say anything, Maddy.”

“I didn’t know.”

“There’s a lot you don’t know.”

I feel taken aback, and hurt by his words, but he’s right. I don’t know much about him, or his life, or anything else for that matter. I only know how he acts around me, and now I know even that was half faked. I swallow.

“Maybe so…” I stand from my chair, and for a split second, I can see disappointment on his face. It’s gone before it was even there, as I move my chair to sit closer to him. When I sit, I scoot as close as possible, letting our thighs touch again, just like in the car before.

The feel of his heat burns my soul.

“But maybe we can change that. Maybe now that everything is out in the open, we can really start to…” I stop myself, for a moment, and take his hand into mine again, bringing it to rest on my lap. “…really trust each other.”