How to Write a Novel*
*when you’re really lazy and hate writing
Since I’ve become like, super famous, and even the pigeons on the sidewalk recognize me, I’ve had to stop writing in coffee shops. As many fellow celebrities know, the public has absolutely no respect for privacy, and my personal space is constantly invaded. The question I’m bothered with most when penning my masterpiece is, “Seats are for paying customers only, are you going to order something?” Dealing with the little people and their little questions is just one of the many inconveniences that us celebrity writers have to endure on a daily basis. Now of course, I’m totally kidding. The truth is, I’m really lazy and I hate writing. So how, you ask, did I manage to write a novel?
Well, I’ll tell you.
1. I hate to write, can I still be a writer?
You don’t like to write. I don’t like to write. Does anyone? I’m sure there are people out there who do. We in the “biz” call them psychopaths. People love to think about writing. That’s fun. And everyone is generally pretty good at this. From hot coworker romance fantasies, to dream vacations, to awesome superpowers, we’re all natural first person narrative fiction storytellers. What would it be like to play for the Red Sox? I don’t know, but I could imagine a pretty good tale about it. But the sitting down and pecking away at keyboard for hours is pretty awful.
And here’s why:
According to trusted unbiased academic sources, aka Wikipedia, the first known writing appeared on tablets in 3,500 B.C. in Mesopatamia. Mestopamamania? Mesopotamia? You know, that ancient place that invented lots of stuff and we now call most of the Middle East? Anyway, the Mesopo-whozits, carved pictures onto stone tablets to communicate their thoughts.
Oh, remember when Dan Brown’s last book came out and it weighed like 17 tons because it was all written as pictures on stone tablets? Of course not, because nobody writes like this anymore. People realized pretty fast that stone tablets were heavy and hard to read on the morning commute, so eventually, a few thousand years later, the Chinese invented paper. Paper was good. Paper gave us the Declaration of Independence, the Magna Carta, and a bunch of other Double Jeopardy! category type stuff.
Another thousand years of evolution and the first typewriter crawled out of the ocean onto dry land. Lots of novels written on the typewriter, but most people today use some version of a technology that didn’t come around until the early 1980s. The personal computer. I would also also accept ‘Teddy Ruxpin’ as an answer. So while story telling and story thinking has been around since the dawn of humanity, the actual physical way we currently make a record of those stories has only been in existence for just over thirty years.
Dawn of time versus Lady Gaga’s age.
That’s why carpal tunnel syndrome exists. It’s our body’s way of telling us that the act of modern writing isn’t natural. So don’t feel bad if you don’t like typing away on your cramped keyboard. No matter how ergonomic your chair claims to be, humans aren’t designed for this line of work.
2. So I hate typing. Now what?
You hate typing? I hate typing too! But I just do it. Does that mean I’m better than you? Probably not. And I emphasize the probably. So what’s my secret?
Writing becomes tolerable, sometimes even enjoyable, if you write about things you like.
What television shows do you watch? Shows you hate? Of course not. You watch shows you love. Shows that get your juices flowing. Here’s a math question: if each episode of Game of Thrones lasts an hour, and Matt has watched all 60 episodes, how many days of his life has Matt spent watching Game of Thrones? Don’t answer that. The point is, either I enjoy Game of Thrones and will spend time doing something I enjoy, or I’m a complete lunatic.
Works the same way with writing.
So write on something you enjoy, the process will be much easier and you’ll do a better job. Now, you might think, well epic fantasy thrillers are huge right now, but I’m really interested in stories about tax accounting software. Who cares! Write about it anyway. Don’t write about what you think will be popular, you’ll get bored and you’ll write a bunch of lies. You’ll be fake writing. And fake writing never pops off the page. Fake writing never moved people to tears, or laughter. Fake writing is just words; real writing is about connecting with your audience. Hopefully it’s an audience of millions, but even if you reach just one person, congratulations, you’re a success.
And besides, planet Earth is a big place.
There are a seven billion of us humans kicking around this little globe of ours. And even if just .0005 percent of the population share your deep love of accounting software stories, that’s still something like 3 million people. So whatever it is you’re into, no matter how obscure, there are lots and lots of other people in the world who are into it too. And that’s your audience. And you know who loves audiences? Book publishers.
3. But I’m really lazy, can I still have a writing career?
Yes! Nobody is lazier than I am. Look up the word lazy in the dictionary and you’ll see a photograph of me taking a nap. But I’ve managed to write a couple books. And I do it by setting word count goals. Writing is like exercise. You have to start slowly and work to get in shape. If Stephen King is the Michael Phelps of writing, I’m like the overweight guy in the Zumba class. Really sweaty, and totally out of breath, but I’m doing the best I can to keep up.
Unless you’re the child of a wealthy oil tycoon, you probably have a day job that takes up most of your time. So start off with something manageable, try 300 words a day. Do that for a couple days. And keep track of it. For all my books I have an Excel spreadsheet where I record each word count by day. No, really, I actually do this. I try and write five days per week, doing a minimum of 1,100 words. Sometimes I go over. Sometimes I go under. If I go under, I try to make it up the next day. I keep a track of the total, then when I hit 100,000, I’ve got enough for a book. Maybe the book is terrible. But at least it has transitioned out of my brain, through the keyboard, and onto my laptop screen.
Bottom Line
Here’s a bit of trivia: famous writer Daphne du Maurier was at her desk in 1952 suffering from a terrible case of writer’s block. In frustration, she yelled, “Writing is for the birds!” And the rest is history. No, that didn’t happen. But writing really is for the birds. But if you feel compelled to do it anyway, just know that it’s going to be hard. And that’s okay. If you work steadily and write honestly, eventually you’ll get someplace great.
Matthew B.J. Delaney published his first novel, Jinn, in 2003. Winner of the International Horror Guild Award, the novel was optioned for film by Touchstone Pictures, was featured as People magazine’s Page-Turner of the Week, and received a Publishers Weekly Starred Review. Delaney received a bachelor’s degree in economics from Dartmouth College and a master’s in public administration from Harvard.
Following the attacks of September 11, 2001, he left a career in finance and moved from Boston to New York City to join the New York City Police Department. He has been a member of the NYPD for twelve years and has been assigned to precincts throughout Manhattan and the Bronx as well as within Police Headquarters and the Intelligence Division. He is currently a decorated special operations lieutenant serving in a Brooklyn violent crime suppression unit. He continues to write in his spare time.
