4 Reasons To Stay No Contact from a Narcissist

Manya Wakefield
Jan 4, 2020 · 5 min read
“The best way to resist the spell of the trauma bond is to pull it out by its roots.” Photo by Diana Simumpande.

No Contact is a solution that has helped many survivors recover from narcissistic abuse. The survivor severs all ties with the narcissist so that they can process the relationship and apply themselves to whatever self-work is needed to recover.

For many survivors, No Contact is an essential strategy for achieving total healing from narcissistic abuse. It is the most effective way to untangle ourselves from the toxic emotional ties and cognitive distortions we develop as a consequence of exposure to pathological narcissism.

The hardest part of No Contact is that most survivors struggle with traumatic bonding as a result of the Coercive Control tactics used by narcissists.

The best way to resist the spell of the trauma bond is to pull it out by its roots. To that end, here are four reasons to stay No Contact from the narcissist.

1. The narcissist is toxic

Someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder has a distorted self-image.

Narcissists are preoccupied with prestige and power. One of the main features of Narcissistic Personality Disorder is impaired empathy.

In addition to this, a narcissist develops a superiority complex to shield a fragile sense of self that is regularly mangled by real and perceived narcissistic injuries.

They have a fundamental distrust of other people. So they invent a false persona to mirror people they envy and bend them to their will.

Because narcissists are maladaptive, in the best-case scenario, this will usually play out as some form of exploitation. However, in the worst-case scenario, the narcissist will psychologically and sometimes physically destroy the person they’ve targeted for abuse.

2. You will lose yourself

Once a narcissistic abuser has charmed their way into our lives in the guise of a false persona, they use a very subtle but powerful manipulation tactic on us called intermittent reinforcement.

Intermittent reinforcement is one of the most robust and effective manipulation tactics in existence.

In the context of narcissistic abuse, it is a psychological conditioning program the abuser introduces during the devaluation stage of the abuse cycle.

During the love-bombing phase, the narcissist responds with consistent positivity to the behavior of the target. During the devaluation phase, the narcissist’s responses become unpredictable.

The instability causes the target to try harder to get the narcissist to respond positively. You start to crave their reassurance and approval.

This is when your soul mate suddenly goes from hot to cold. One moment they are Dr. Jekyll, the next they’re Mr. or Mrs. Hyde. Today you are the love of their life. Tomorrow you don’t know where you stand with them.

If you confront them about their behavior, you will be gaslit. The narcissist will tell you they have no idea what you mean. They’ll become the picture of dumb insolence.

No matter how stable you were when you entered the relationship, intermittent reinforcement sends your feelings into flux.

You find yourself on an emotional rollercoaster, struggling to regulate your feelings. You go from up to down then up again as your life becomes more and more chaotic.

You struggle to stay grounded while holding on to the relationship. Meanwhile, the narcissist is pulling all the strings to destabilize you, modify your behavior, and make you compliant.

“In time, no contact will restore your peace of mind.” Photo by Will van Wingerden.

3. You’ll get caught in the wheel of dysfunction

Pathological narcissists deliberately plant seeds of dysfunction in the minds of their targets. The purpose is to make you compliant to their whims and wishes.

Intermittent reinforcement can reshape a person’s identity as it cultivates an addict’s mindset in the target. It’s the principle that gets people hooked on slot machines or Candy Crush Saga.

When you experience it in a relationship, you are going to feel a lot of fear and anxiety. These emotions cause a lot of the stress hormone, cortisol, to pump through your body as you twist yourself into knots trying to understand what is happening to you.

Naturally, you want to get rid of these feelings of tension and unease. You are willing to do whatever it takes to return to the love-bombing stage. Amid the ego-stroking and soothing, you didn’t understand that the narcissist was grooming you and that the love-bombing was part of the cycle of narcissistic abuse.

If you’re with a narcissist dysfunction seems normal.

4. You’ll feed the trauma bond

These manipulation tactics cause the formation of strong emotional ties between you and the narcissist. These emotional ties are known as traumatic bonding.

Trauma bonds are dangerous because they keep us emotionally attached to the person who’s abusing us.

The trauma bond isn’t a part of you. Think of it as an emotional GPS tracking system the narcissist has placed in your mind. During No Contact, you learn tools to help you dislodge this foreign object from your senses so that it can no longer distort how you see yourself and the world at large.

The trauma bond is painful and difficult to break. When you are No Contact, you have a chance to wake up, return to Kansas and leave the fake Wizard in Oz.

“Exit the narcissist’s sphere of influence.” Photo by Fabian Møller.

Conclusion

To heal, stay away from toxic people. Block their numbers on your phone, block their email addresses. Block them on social media. Block anyone you know who is going to post about them.

Exit the narcissist’s sphere of influence. Don’t allow them access to your mind.

Until you cut off every string, you’ll never be free from the puppetmaster.

Watch on YouTube

Resources

Satow, Roberta. “Love Me, Love Me Not.” Psychology Today. Sussex Publishers, January 3, 2017. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/life-after-50/201701/love-me-love-me-not.

Kinsey, Michael. “Deconstructing Narcissism: A Model of Emotional Dynamics of the Narcissistic Personality.” Mindsplain.com. Mindsplain.com, February 24, 2020. https://mindsplain.com/narcissistic-personality/.

Wakefield, M. “What Is Coercive Control?” Narcissistic Abuse Rehab. Narcissistic Abuse Rehab, December 29, 2019. https://narcissisticabuserehab.wordpress.com/2019/10/31/coercive-control/.

“Trauma Bonds: What Are They and How Can We Overcome Them? .” The National Domestic Violence Hotline, April 12, 2019. https://www.thehotline.org/2018/07/31/trauma-bonds-what-are-they-and-how-can-we-overcome-them/.

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