MAYBE I WANNA BE FAT?
Maybe I just want to be fat
Less stress — my new caveat?
I could eat all the pie
And the ice cream —then I
could be a chubby A-RIS-TO-CRAT?
@MichelleMonet from book Limerick Explosion, from levity to lament
I’ve had an eating disorder and body image issues all my life — well, since age 12 or so. I am now 57. Trust me this shit doesn’t just GO AWAY!
When I saw the prompt about ‘beach bodies’ it brought up a lot of memories from my past perfectionism days. My first reaction was, ‘Ha. I feel a bit like a beached whale today — nowhere near a beach body!”
Lately, since I’ve been dealing with many life stresses and death in my life, (dad, best friend, many other people close to me are dying or have died) I notice how much more I want to eat and I am eating.
- Maybe I just want to eat now and not worry so damn much about how my body looks anymore.
- Maybe I’ve grown weary of this societal mandate.
- Maybe I just don’t give a shit now.
- Maybe I still use food as my comfort, especially comfort foods — and — so what?
Food just seems to be the ‘go to’ that I use (and have always used) all my life during emotional times — the good and bad. When I’m sad I’ve eaten a lot. When I’m relieved or happy I’ve eaten. It’s just what I do and have done.
Ice cream. Pizza. Cheetos. Indian or Thai food. Anything goooood can somehow numb my brain and help me not think or feel.
Sometimes we just don’t wanna do much thinking, ya know?
When I was in showbiz and sang on stages around the world for over 12 years, my weight was always a huge concern. I almost obsessively made sure that I was thin enough to be seen on stage. I wouldn’t DARE go out in front of an audience with a poochy stomach!
(This is me in a show called ‘Beyond Belief’ in Sun City, South Africa when I impersonated Barbra Streisand. You can’t tell that I was holding my stomach in a lot when I sang this song Don’t Rain on My Parade every night, but I was!)
I was also an obsessive dieter and traveled with a husband at the time who was a military drill sergeant in VietNam. He relentlessly made fun of my weight. (More about this in my upcoming memoir.)
One show in Las Vegas I recall an audience member came up after a performance. I thought it was one of my better shows, where I sang my ASS OFF.
Instead of saying ‘Great job” or “I loved that performance”, he said matter-of-factly, “So, what month are you in?”
Ummm. I wasn’t pregnant.
That one comment did a number on my brain for many years after. It might still be lodged in my head.
I’m studying Dr. Gabor Mate right now. He researches and writes about childhood traumas and addiction. He says people with trauma have always found ways to cope by escaping. (I’m well aware that I do this.)
There are many escapes; food, alcohol, drugs, gambling, shopping, online games, sex etc.
The difference for me now is that I’ve made a conscious effort to let go of guilt in my life.
Even though I’m so used to guilt — (Hey, it might be wired into my DNA somehow by my Jewish heritage) — I now want to eat with no guilt. YEP. Even a whole pint of ice cream!
I ate a lot on my trip to my boyfriend Bobs’ moms’ house last week. I noticed how much I wanted food to numb me out. It was an emotional time going to a funeral home — seeing Bobs' mom grieve over losing two of her younger brothers.
(OK. I went to Dairy Queen and ate a ‘Caramel Blizzard’ but it was damn good!)
I said to my friend Linda today, “I sure wish I could eat and eat and eat and never get fat and not be concerned with looking like a ‘beached whale’. That would be an ideal life wouldn’t it?
Eat and stay thin?”
Linda said, “YOLO. You Only Live Once so just ENJOY IT. Enjoy the ice cream!
I think I’ve changed my mind now about this concept of having to have a beached body to be a happy person. I’m OK with it now.
Life is more peaceful too.
THANKS FOR READING!
Contact me at: email@example.com
Michelle Monet has published 5 non-fiction books including 4 Poetic Memoirs. Her upcoming Memoir is about her life in show business. She is also writing a Broadway style Musical based on her life story.