The NBA’s White Guys — Ranked

On opening day of the 2016–17 season, there were 43 American white guys in the league — out of a possible 450. Let’s rank them.

A Pseudonym

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The Enlighteners

4 min readMar 23, 2017

You’ll notice we’ve used the whitest looking pictures of each player so as to truly capture the essence of their caucasion-ness. Also, no mixed guys. It’s all or nothing. That effectively eliminates Klay Thompson, Blake Griffin, Tyler Johnson, and $72 Million worth of Joakim Noah.

1. Gordon Hayward

Hayward looks like a textbook high school lacrosse player from a Connecticut prep school.

He’s also an All-Star. Hayward’s averaging a cool 22 points, 5.5 boards, and 3.5 dimes for what will probably be a 50-win Jazz squad that makes at-least the second round of the postseason. His PER clocks in at 22.44, sixth among small forwards, and that one stat is the extent of my advanced metrics knowledge.

He’s also better than LeBron. At League of Legends.

2. Chandler Parsons

Just kidding.

Actually 2. Kevin Love

K-Lo looks like they dragged him right out of Will Ferrell’s Semi-Pro — a movie that definitely deserves more than a 21% on Rotten Tomatoes.

Love’s putting in work for the Tropics, I mean, Cavs this year, averaging 19.8 points to go with 11.1 rebounds. His PER clocks in at 22.17, 5th among power forwards. He’s also got the most All Star appearances on this list by far, with 4.

3. Mason Plumlee

Mason is a solid player but any list where he ranks third is clearly pretty devoid of star power. Unless it’s a list of the Plumlee brothers. This is in no way a biased placement due to his being on my fantasy team.

The 27 year old averaged 11.1 points, 8 boards, and 4 assists to go with 1.2 blocks and a PER of 18.1 with the Blazers before being traded to the Nuggets at the deadline. Since the trade, his numbers have dwindled slightly but he still provides solid value and court vision for a big. Not to mention a winning smile.

4. JJ Redick

The most hated player in Duke history is also perhaps the whitest. Grayson Allen is gunning hard for this distinction, but for now, it’s Redick’s. JJ’s pouring in 14.9 points on 42% 3 point shooting for the Clippers, setting him up for a solid payday this offseason.

Never has a smugger expression been captured on camera.

5. Kyle Korver

Following the perfomance of his life in Dude, Where’s My Car, Kyle has been tearing up the nets from three point land. He has a shot to do some serious damage with the Cavs in the playoffs this year. The sharpshooter’s averaging 10.2 points this year while shooting 44.7% from behind the arc. Check out his composite (not really a composite).

6. TJ McConnell

You know a team’s season has hit a trough when TJ McConell bangs home a turnaround game winning jumper in your star player’s face. Timothy John’s carved out a nice spot for himself as starting point guard for the post-Process Sixers. He’s averaging 6.6 points, 6.4 dimes, and 3.1 boards in 25 minutes per game. According to The Process, he may just be the clutchest player in NBA history. No arguments there.

7. Cody Zeller

The 4th pick of the 2013 draft and the frailer of the Super Zeller Bros, Cody has turned into an impact player for the Hornets. His line of 10.5 points and 6.5 boards per game on 49.7% shooting has kept the Hornets from falling from mediocrity to the NBA’s cellar.

Here he is showing off the effects of P90x.

8. David Lee

Coming off the bench for a loaded Spurs frontcourt, this 33 year old white guy with an Asian last name is averaging 7.6 points to go with 5.6 boards on 61% shooting.