Eroticizing Our Play

Pleasure and Healing in Kink and BDSM

By Catherine Schaefer and G. Nic Rider

Photo by Anna Shvets

This piece is a part of our Spark series: Living an LGBTQIA2+ Life

What is Kink?

What is it that defines kink and BDSM? Is it a practice, an identity, an orientation, or even all three? As with other practices and identities that have been marginalized, it is difficult to pin down exactly what does and does not constitute inclusion in the realm of kink and BDSM. For the purposes of this essay, we will be using the standard definition of BDSM, which includes bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism. We also consider kink to include BDSM and its practices, as well as fetishes and practices that are alternative to common activities such as oral, vaginal, and anal sex. We believe that kink, similarly to queerness, inherently defies the process of definition; creating one’s own definition is an act of resistance in itself.

Kink and BDSM practices can also promote radical healing and liberation. Through communication, boundary setting, and exploration of pleasure, partners can affirm identities, rewrite traumatic experiences, and redefine intimacy in ways that support wellbeing, especially within marginalized communities. The many ways of engaging in kink and BDSM, again, can be considered an act of resistance in itself and an intentional disruption of cisheteronormativity, particularly against societal conformity, marginalization, and stigmatization. This process allows those involved to have mutual joyful and pleasurable experiences in a context of safety and trust, and move toward deeper presence and embodiment, while expanding eroticization beyond the genitals.

Challenges to Positive Sexuality

The ideals of presence, embodiment and mutual pleasure can be a challenge to actualize. Continued experiences of dehumanization and discrimination both from one’s culture and community can lead to the internalization of negative beliefs about oneself and the sexual practices one engages in. This internalized negativity can lead to feelings of shame and the adoption of ways of thinking that limit how a person engages with pleasure, sex, and the social communities that support these practices. However, kink and BDSM are inherently subversive, and can be used as a tool to change and play with negative experiences, replacing them with positive sexual empowerment.

For example, a common introduction to the practice of kink and BDSM is communication in order to consensually explore one’s own interests and limits, and share those boundaries and expectations with partners. This first step is already a departure from heteronormative, procreative sex in that it centers an individual’s own definition of pleasure, and reaffirms one’s right to pleasure without judgment. The negotiation of power dynamics and asserting boundaries allows for a sense of control and potential healing in consensual scenarios. As such, community members and practitioners are encouraged to take an active role in constructing the scene they would like to play out and work to create a mutually satisfying experience.

Similarly, consent is typically at the forefront of negotiations. It is common, and even expected at times, for play to be exploratory; this necessitates planning for consistent ways to check in on each player as the scene progresses. This practice of centering consent and actively agreeing on communication around the spectrum of experiences from positive to negative experiences subverts commonly oversimplified and brief ways of obtaining consent that are sometimes part of more typical sexual encounters.

In addition, players are encouraged to think through and voice their needs after a scene is complete, a process called aftercare. Players recognize that kink events often do not end with the scene itself, and that needs for aftercare may emerge even days after an event. This practice of intentional ongoing negotiation, planning, and care for partners can help to dismantle more common practices that do not value personal emotional health and community building.

Personal Empowerment and Growth

Community involvement in both kink and BDSM can be seen as a toolbox to enhance the ways partners communicate, experience play, and care for each other. These skills can disrupt traditional patterns of sexual interaction, and replace them with healthier, more pleasure-focused, and empowering experiences. For example, a person who has experienced trauma can re-explore the traumatic event, but in an environment that is controlled with parameters clearly defined, helping to build a sense of safety and trust. One of the authors was once playing with a partner who had been sexually assaulted. She was tense, and they encouraged her to “stay calm” as they worked through a bondage scene, unaware that the person who had assaulted her had used this phrase. She immediately used her code word for “caution.” Although unaware of the specifics of the situation, this signaled a necessity to pivot, so they changed activities and moved on after a brief check-in. Afterward, it became clear that although the phrase was triggering to her, it was more important for her to feel a sense of control by asserting her boundaries (e.g., using the code word; pausing play to check in) and redirecting the scene as opposed to allowing a previously traumatic experience to stop the scene. In this case, communication was essential to both partners feeling a sense of ownership over roles in the scene, and the ability to create new positive memories in the face of trauma.

Additionally, kink can be a critical part of gender exploration. Because psychological play is a considerable element of kink and BDSM, there are increased opportunities to play with facets of identity and focus on being embodied in the experience. At various times depending on gender presentation, the authors have noticed that in some kinky community spaces, it was assumed that we would be submissive — likely due to racialized gendered assumptions. These early experiences where roles were put upon us increased our curiosity and further embedded queerness into our kink. We were able to subvert and resist dominant narratives of binary gender expectations and define roles and play in whatever ways suited us. We credit these experiences as foundational to more deeply exploring and understanding ourselves and as important in our own healing journeys.

Conclusion

By its very nature, participating in kink subverts common and deeply held ideas about consent, empowerment, and identity. Kink brings pleasure, acceptance, and play to the forefront, relying on an individual’s self-awareness and centering their needs during both negotiation and play. This is especially important for members of marginalized communities who may have internalized negative messages about their identities, sexualities, and expressions. Kink can be a valuable tool for self-exploration, and provides contexts where players can “rewrite” previous experiences in order to heal through pleasure and play.

Catherine Schaefer is a graduate student at the National Center for Gender Spectrum Health at the University of Minnesota. Catherine’s research focuses on gender identity and sexual orientation development. She is currently working on measurement of gender identification in a diverse sample of young children, and a project taking cognitive approaches to gender development. Additionally, her interests include sexual education and improving health disparities.

G. Nic Rider is an assistant professor at the Institute for Sexual and Gender Health at the University of Minnesota Medial School, and director of the National Center for Gender Spectrum Health. Dr. Rider has professional interests in the areas of intersectionality, improving various health disparities, sexual health and pleasure, decolonizing healing justice, systems change and social justice advocacy. IG: @drgnicrider; Twitter: @g_nic_rider