02. The Date That Does Not Feel Like a Date

The Backstory

Tinder date #2: Mike*. Mike’s description says he’s an engineer (+1). He looks fit (+1), he has a nice smile (+1), he’s bearded (+1), and he’s wearing flannel (+1). That’s 5 points for Mike so far. He’s young, 23, but that falls within the half-your-age-plus-seven rule for me, so I swipe right.

Several days go by before I learn he’s swiped right, too. He messages me immediately with what is by far the best first Tinder message ever (+10):

“I call bullshit on your age. There’s no way you’re a day over 25.”

Mike clearly knows the way to an older woman’s heart (or pants). We exchange one or two messages before he asks me out to lunch the next day, naming the time and place (+10 for decisiveness).

The Date

As I walk into the restaurant, I worry that I might not recognize Mike. He really only has one clear photo of himself on Tinder. In the other photos, he’s wearing a snowboard helmet, or the picture isn’t close-up enough to make out distinctive features. He apparently recognizes me right away, though. He’s sitting at the bar where he already ordered a beer. He turns toward me on the bar stool and smiles. He’s better looking in person than in his photo (+100). Mike’s racking up the points. I’m going to stop keeping score now.

I pick out a table and we sit down. We talk for a bit while glancing at the menu and at some point we both order. We talk about food, work, travel, exercise, boats, motorcycles. Mike is confident, but not cocky. He’s smarter than he looks. He’s a little nerdy, but he’s adventurous. He’s ambitious. He’s driven. He asks good questions and he’s a good listener. He talks with his hands. So do I. We both smile and laugh a lot. It feels like I’m talking with someone that I’ve known a long time. I feel very, very comfortable.

After we’re done eating, the conversation turns to a more serious subject. We talk about our most recent relationships and what happened. As it turns out, both of us are the partners that give too much. We’re the ones that tried to make it all work when we should’ve let go. We understand each other’s histories. We’ve learned the same lessons. We’re at similar places, emotionally and romantically.

We realize it’s been a little more than an hour and we both need to get back to work. When the bill comes, I offer to split it. I assume this is a normal thing to do. I’m a single, empowered woman. I should offer, right? Mike says, “Do you want to?” I say, “Well, I’m offering and I don’t mind, but it’s your choice.” He says, “No, no, no. I’ll get it.”

We briefly discuss how his timing is really bad. He’s leaving in two days to go out of town for work. He’ll be back in a few weeks. I say I’ll still be around when he returns.

We walk out of the restaurant, and again, I don’t know how to end this date. It feels almost like I’ve been talking with a friend, but there was definitely some flirting going on, too.

A hug? Hugs are for siblings.

A kiss on the cheek? That seems too high school.

Not a kiss on the mouth. That’s way too soon. We only had one quick lunch.

A handshake. I give him a handshake and a smile.

He smiles back like maybe he wasn’t expecting a handshake, but he doesn’t look like he was going for a hug or a kiss either. He looks like he was letting me decide. He looks like the handshake threw him off, but that maybe he respects it.

I walk away feeling kind of like an idiot. A handshake? What was I thinking? This wasn’t a business meeting. Ugh. Maybe, I just ruined it. At the same time, I feel really excited. Almost butterflies-in-my-stomach excited. I like this guy! He’s fun, smart, handsome. We had great conversation and lots of laughing, and I think that’s probably what a good first date is.

The Assessment — Part 1

How do I rate this date?
I don’t know yet. Once I get back to my office, I try to work, but I’m beginning to panic. I think this date went really well! I think it felt great! But, I have no idea what he feels or thinks. I begin to worry that maybe he didn’t like me at all and maybe he was just being nice, or taking pity on me. I begin to re-think our conversation and try to pinpoint stupid things I may have said. I begin to think maybe that wasn’t even a date at all. Is lunch on a weekday a date? He paid. So that means it’s a date, right? Or, was it just a friendly thing? I’m letting the crazies go wild in my brain. I send a friend a frantic email with the subject line, “I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I’M DOING”. I’m so confused about this dating stuff.

The Epilogue

A couple hours after lunch, Mike texts me:

“Really enjoyed lunch. Too bad I’m going away so soon. I’ll definitely give you a call when I get back :-)”

This is the most enormous relief in the entire world. All of my crazy freaking out immediately subsides. I feel bubbly, like I’m floating on air. I mean, he even included a smiley face.

The Assessment — Part 2

How do I rate this date?
On a scale from 1 (I’d rather be in hell, literally) to 10 (fuck me now!), this date is definitely a big solid 9. The only reason it’s not a 10 is due to my own panicky awkwardness and the fact that we can’t set up a firm second date (but the fuck me now part pretty much applies).

* Names have been changed, of course, to protect the innocent.

If you like what you just read, please recommend it and then check out more of my ramblings at https://medium.com/@writingsolo or tweet me @writingsolo.

For other pieces in this Publication, check out https://medium.com/navigating-the-sea-of-singledom