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Be Aggressive. B-E Aggressive.

Unsolicited sex advice from someone who thinks a lot about sex, and often has some, too.

In writing this, I’m probably setting back feminism 100 years or insulting a large segment of the female population or something equally horrific, but this is my opinion. Mine alone. And everyone knows what opinions are like.

Some women might agree with me. Some might not. So let me start by saying this: if you’re sleeping with a woman, ask her what she likes. If she’s not the type of woman to openly talk about these things, ask more questions. “Can I [insert sexual activity here] you?” “Do you like [insert sexual activity here]?” “How do you feel about [insert sexual activity here]?” It’s easy: communicate. Communication makes sex better and that’s a fact (in my opinion).

Here’s the thing: I like being fucked like a whore. In fact, call me your whore. Call me your slut. Call me your fucktoy. Pull my hair when you do so. Or place your hand around my neck while you whisper in my ear, “Do you like being used like this?”

Because the answer is yes, I do.

The point here is, the vast majority of the time, I enjoy a bit of BDSM where I am filling the M role.

This is, of course, with my prior consent only. Sorry for another disclaimer, but I don’t want to give off the impression I’m on board with dudes thinking they can grab a chick and fuck them aggressively and we like it. On the contrary. That’s rape. I’m talking solely about consensual sex. I’m talking about having sex with a guy that I’m dating or “hanging out with” or fucking or sleeping with or seeing or whatever terminology you want to use to define the relationship. Whatever you call it, bottom line is: the sex is consensual. Only once I make it clear that “Yes, I want to have sex with you” may you then proceed to call me your whore.

The potentially controversial part is that I’m willing to bet most heterosexual and bisexual women enjoy this kind of sex, whether or not they’ve had it before. Rough, kinky sex is carnal. Animalistic. It hits on some hard-wired biology that we are probably programmed to enjoy through millions of years of evolution. There is a fine line between pleasure and pain, and walking that line is exciting. Anticipation is sexy. Being vulnerable, in the hands of a trusted partner, is incredibly liberating, in a slightly backward and twisted way. I’m in control in pretty much every other aspect of my life. I’m a little bit of a perfectionist and I overthink. When it comes to sex, I want NONE of these things. I want to not think about it too much, operating only on instinct. I want to give up my control to someone I know will make good use of it.

In my life, I’ve had some bad sex, and some good sex, and some great sex. I’ve had intimate, soft, slow sex. I’ve had rough, makeup smeared, hair in knots sex. I’ve had bite marks and bruises and please give me more don’t ever stop sex. And I’ve had can’t he just finish already sex. This last kind is the worst. Here are some tips for avoiding it:

1. Vaginas are like snowflakes, each one unique. Hmm… no, a better analogy: vaginas are like cars, there are many varieties and while they all function more or less the same way, you definitely can’t drive them all the same. In some cars, you can hop right in and go! In other cars, you might need to adjust the seat and mirrors, let the engine run a bit, let things warm up. Some cars are slow to accelerate, others faster. Some cars have a very low top speed, others seemingly limitless. Some cars can hold six people. Others only two. Sometimes there are weird things, like the radio volume knob doesn’t work when the high beams are on, or the air doesn’t come out of the floor vents. I’m not sure where this analogy is going, but you get the idea. Just like every car has its quirks, so does every vagina. You should take the time to get to know the quirks if you really want the car to purr.
2. I think the car analogy could apply to penises, too, but, in general, they are less quirky. Fewer buttons to push and knobs to turn and such. About penises, though, I will say this: yes, size matters. Maybe not in the way you’d think, though. Length is mostly doing a whole lot of nothing. Girth is where it’s at. However, it’s my understanding that this is kind of a personal preference. Maybe there are women out there who just love length! I’m not really one of them. There is probably a minimum acceptable length for me, but anything beyond that is nothing special. I guess my car doesn’t work that way.
3. Routine is boring. Don’t let sex become routine. While it’s good to have a few classic standards that are always nice to fall back on — the things that always work and are generally enjoyable — even those will become boring if you don’t mix it up every now and then. Guys seem to learn a lot of their sex moves from porn. It’s important to know that some of these sex moves will only ever work in porn. It’s important to know that some bodies just don’t bend certain ways and that some positions get tiring more quickly than others. Regardless, try these sex moves! Why not? You’ve got nothing to lose and only pleasure to gain. If something isn’t working, try something else. You won’t know what you like until you try it and — trust me — you’ll probably be surprised by some of the things it turns out you like.
4. Don’t be afraid of toys. Guys in particular, don’t be threatened by toys. That’s just dumb. No toy is really ever going to be able to replace a guy entirely. If such a toy existed, I would not be dating. Or, if you’re a guy that can be replaced by a toy, you are not fucking properly and you better improve your game. Toys can actually be a powerful thing, enjoyable for both parties. If you don’t know how this is possible, Google “forced orgasm”. You’re welcome.
5. Lube. Lube. Lube. Lube. Lube. In ideal situations, you won’t need any. But the human body works in mysterious ways sometimes, and in those cases, use some goddamn lube. Silicone-based, preferably.
6. Talk dirty. Be careful about what you say, but don’t overthink it either. Be assertive about it. Say what you’re thinking the way that you’re thinking it. Don’t say, “I’d really like it if you’d go down on me” if what you’re thinking is, “I want to watch you suck my cock.” Say the latter.
7. Don’t discuss things you’ve done with past sexual partners with your current sexual partner, at least not in detail. This pretty much never ends well. I’ve had frank and open discussions with current sexual partners about past ones, and there is a certain level of detail that is just too much. You’ll know what it is. Trust your instinct and keep some things to yourself.
8. Give and take. If you find yourself doing one more than the other all the time, and you’re not satisfied with that, change the balance. Or find someone else. In my opinion, the best sex entails both giving and taking (or receiving… whatever you want to call it). Feel happy to give. And feel happy to receive. Make sure you both get off. It’s okay if you don’t both get off every single time, but most of the time, you should both get off. It’s equitable and it’s hot and it will leave you both feeling extra satisfied. Isn’t that why we have sex anyway?
9. Let’s get back to that being fucked like a whore thing. The bottom line is women want to feel wanted. They want to feel desired. They want to know that you want to fuck them, and not just because they’re a woman who happens to be there, but because in the moment, they are your woman. They want to feel sexy, like in your eyes they are the hottest thing in the world. You can tell them this and probably sound a little cheesy if you go overboard (see 6), or you can show them this using your eyes and your body and your hands. I promise we are not all delicate little flowers that will wilt if you grab us too hard. We are deeply sexual beings with desires more screwed up than you can imagine. My fantasy? Two guys at once. Maybe even more than two. I’m not ashamed to say that because I think most women fantasize about the same thing. Use us. Use us completely, but desire us and worship us at the same time. Those are not mutually exclusive things.
10. Please do not do the twat slap. Dudes, I don’t know where the hell you learned this move but there’s practically nothing that’s more of an immediate turn-off. Maybe there is one girl out there in the world who likes that. I don’t know who she is, but she’s definitely not me.
11. Do play with nipples. I read somewhere that something like 80% of women have highly sensitive nipples and only maybe 25% of guys do. So even if you don’t understand why it’s enjoyable, guys, trust me, it is very enjoyable. (I guess unless you’re with one of the 20% of women for whom nipples are purely functional. If you’re one of those women, I’m sorry.)
12. If you have foreskin, good for you! But for fuck’s sake, wash thoroughly. Weren’t your parents supposed to teach you that when you were a child?
13. Let’s talk about the clitoris: the majority of the clitoris is internal. Like an iceberg. There’s more than what you see. But clitoral sensitivity, internal and external, varies from woman to woman. That’s why some women get off from penetration and others don’t. That’s why some women could enjoy receiving oral sex for hours and others not so much. Here’s what I think: sure, show the clit some love. That’s some good stuff right there. But Jesus Christ, there is so much more to my anatomy than my clit so maybe don’t fixate on it forever please.
14. Trim your fingernails.
15. Some women like butt stuff. Some don’t. If she does like butt stuff, she probably loves it. Take advantage of this. The best orgasms I’ve had involved butt stuff.

Butt stuff + toy stuff = magic.

I read this a while back and I can’t express enough how much Beth Mann just nails this advice. If you’re a guy, read this and put it into practice:

Jaded Sex Advice for the Youth of America

Now you know more about me than you ever wanted to know! But seriously, take some of my advice. I’ve done the hard part so you don’t have to.

If you like what you just read, please recommend it and then check out more of my ramblings at https://medium.com/@writingsolo or tweet me @writingsolo.