It’s been an amazing back and forth text session. Since we matched, it appears that we’ve clicked on a conversational level. I was impressed…hell, stunned, since this is a little rare for me. I asked you out, and you enthusiastically accepted. We banter back and forth, not wanting to lose conversational momentum…and then a few hours later, it happens. I get a text from you, and the smile I had slowly changes to a frown.
“Sorry to do this, but on second thought, I don’t think you’re what I’m looking for. I wish you luck in your search, you’re a great guy!”
The first part hits me in the chest, like any rejection would. Here I was, looking forward to the date when, “Wham!”, no date. That stings, but I still respect and appreciate the honesty. I’ll take that hurt to the chilling indifference that is the modern ghost.
It’s the second part that galls me, “you’re a great guy”. This is a pat on the back after a hard slap in the face. That sounds like a compliment, but it doesn’t feel like a compliment.
It doesn’t help me understand why I’ve been rejected.
That line doesn’t tell me why I’ve been rejected. Now let me be direct and honest, no one owes me a reason why I’ve been rejected. It’s nice to have, but understandable why you don’t. I’m fine with that. Telling me I’m great though, seems like a reason I shouldn’t be rejected…so I have a cognitive dissonance between the intent of this message as a whole, and the intent of this clause.
It doesn’t help me feel better about being rejected.
This addition to the rejection, in the context of the overall message, feels like the consolation prize. I’m not good enough for you, but I should take solace in the fact that someone out there will probably like me because I’m “great”. It’s a little incredulous from my perspective, because that has not yet been a reason that I’ve gotten a date, and it certainly didn’t in this situation either.
I feel like it really just makes you feel better about rejecting me.
I could be wrong about this, but I think the purpose of this clause in the statement is not to make me feel better, it’s to make you feel better. It’s a way of easing the burden of rejecting me by trying to make me feel better. Sadly, it doesn’t help me, it’s not your job to make me feel better. Instead, it has the opposite effect, but you don’t know that, because you’ve already moved on, secure in your choice.
So what do you do?
I wrote all of the above while I was still angry and raw from the experience.
I posted the statement to Twitter it sparked an amazing conversation with a lot of interesting viewpoints. Two general sides emerged: One side who felt that the “but you’re a great guy/gal” was unnecessary and patronizing, and another side who felt that, if it was sincere, it was being complimentary. Context, timing, expectations, and medium may all play factors in this, and the disconnect seemed to be between the intention and the reception.
From our discussion, some people may take it positively. Heck, one person pointed out that it lead them to pursue a deep friendship with the person who rejected them. Other people took it as a backhanded compliment. Like all communication, you can only control how the message is intended, and not how it is received.
So what would I suggest if you are thinking about adding this clause? I think it is worth asking yourself these two questions:
- Are you being sincere? — If you’re not, stop. Don’t say it. You really are being patronizing, whether you mean to or not.
- How do you think the other party will receive it? — This can be trickier, especially if you haven’t known the person long. If you’re not sure, assume they won’t take it well, and consider not saying it. If you are more inclined to think they will receive the message as the compliment you intend, then fire away and hope for the best.
