Day 37: Things Have Changed.
My First Date
It’s been over a month. I still can’t believe those words when they come out of my mouth. But things are returning to normal — however normal life can be without you, anyway.
I lost my euphoric freedom at some point, trampled beneath my feet on the hedonic treadmill. The major issues in my self-development are bubbling back to the surface. Life is moving on, and I’m hitching a ride.
Things have simply reached an equilibrium. I’m not elated anymore. I’m not crying everyday, though, like I did in our last months. It’s nice to have eyes without swollen lids.
It’s nice to see the world again, too.
I still find myself thinking about your feelings all the time, trying to avoid a misstep that would cause you pain…
…like when I went on my first date yesterday. I felt like I was wronging you, betraying you. I didn’t want to let myself be happy. But when the moment came, I found it easy to be happy.
The chemistry set me ablaze within no time. Her smile was infectious, her eyes enchanting. We talked for hours with no discomfort to speak of. We even laughed about the fact that I had to pee three times over the course of the night (I probably shouldn’t have drank coffee on a first date…).
It was a great date, with a great girl. I looked into her delicate eyes at the end of the night and I knew I needed to see her again.
I had forgotten how it felt when my heart tugged me in another’s direction.
I had forgotten how it felt to not be in love with you.