Dear Boy

TELL ME IN ENGLISH WORDS THE THOUGHTS YOU ARE THINKING, PLEASE

Stella J. McKenna

3 min readJul 25, 2016

Dear Boy,

Here are some words you have said to me out loud:

“You are not The One.”
“I like you, but the only reason you’re here is because you’re hot.”
“I don’t want to put a label on us. Like the boyfriend-girlfriend thing is so not a thing.”
“I think I have a new Tinder strategy…”
“I should fuck his sister.”

Here is how I’ve interpreted those words:

“We are not in a sexually exclusive relationship.”

My actions in response to those words have included:

Dating other guys;
sleeping with other guys;
not telling you about either of the above unless you ask because the only rule we have established and follow is the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell rule;
disclosing information about the above when you do ask because I’m honest and cool like that.

Your response to your assumptions about my actions:

“Did you get laid this week?”

And I tell you “yes” and then you get angry.

The End.

Wait.

What’s that last part?

You. Get. Angry.

This is the part that is incongruent with the previous events in the sequence and this is why I am writing you.

Boy, I’d like to draw your attention to Universal Relationship Law Part VI, Section 3.1:

Should one party in a two-party-relationship-like-thing refuse to entertain the idea of sexual exclusivity, that party effectively elects to waive their right to express jealousy upon inquiring about the other party’s external activities (see Part V, Section 2 for more information about Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell [DADT]).
Should one party voluntarily disclose information about their external activities without first being asked by the second party (in clear violation of the “don’t tell” clause of DADT), the second party has every right to express jealousy and disdain for being privy to such information without explicit request.
Should one party opt for information about the other party’s external activity, exercising their rights granted through DADT, it’s advised that The Asker be prepared to receive information that may be unpleasant to hear, evoking feelings of jealousy. We stress highly the importance of The Asker being well-equipped to handle this jealousy in a cool, collected manner, else risking the possibility of being labeled a “crazy” or an “asshole” for the remaining duration of the relationship-like-thing.

So, dear Boy, I beg of you: TELL ME IN ENGLISH WORDS THE THOUGHTS YOU ARE THINKING, PLEASE.

Hell, I could even deal with Spanish words.

We can be sexually exclusive. Or we can be not sexually exclusive. If not, you are not allowed, per the Law above, to ask me if or when I see other people and get angry over my answer. That is a losing game for both of us and it leaves me utterly confused.

I have some empirical evidence that there is, in fact, a smallish number of boys who are able to express their thoughts and feelings in a relatively coherent manner. Estimates point to 1 in 16 boys being of this “communicative” variety.

I can accept that you are probably not this 1 in 16, but, like, maybe you can befriend one? Seek advice? Observe their behavior in the wild?

Or, perhaps I should just ask you a series of questions that would help clarify our status, and you can respond in the form of grunts (negatory) and nods (affirmative). Either way, we can have sex afterward. If this option is appealing to you, please circle the yes option below:

Thank you for your attention, Boy. Hit me up later this week if you’re free.

Best,
Stella

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