The Best and Worst Things About Being Single
My incredibly deep thoughts on my new single experience
I’ve spent my entire adult life being in a relationship, so now that I’ve been on my own for a time, I’ve been pondering some very profound differences. Here’s what I think are the best and worst things about this singular existence:
Super lazy dinner.
I’m really tired today, so I think I’m just gonna eat this brick of cheese for dinner. And that’s okay. Because I’m not making anyone else partake in it with me, so I can just enjoy it for what it is (delicious), and not be worried about someone else’s well-being.
Not having to shave anything.
I’m not capable of growing all that much hair, but having zero incentive to pick up my razor is just about the best feeling in the world. That little purple Schick Quattro is just a shower decoration at this point.
Waking up alone.
This one may surprise some of you. But I’m really just not a morning person. It takes a lot of effort for me to string together words to greet you, a lot of muscle control to make my face look happy about it, and sex? Oh god, please just put it back where it came from so I can finish this dream about eating cheese for dinner.
“Selfies are such a sign of vanity!” my naive girlfriend/fiancé/wife-self used to think (she was kind of a judgmental bitch). It’s okay though, because guess what my Facebook profile picture is now? A SELFIE. I swore I would never give in, but… having someone with you all the time is like having a personal photographer. Ain’t nobody tryna take your picture every day when you’re single. So you gotta take it yourself! Otherwise there might not be any record of what you looked like in your 29th year of life. I get it now. I get it.
Going to bed alone.
Never liked it, never will! What if someone breaks into my bedroom with a knife? I don’t want to be the only stabbing target! Also cuddling is just so nice… I’m unembarrassed to say that sometimes I kind of want this:
(Skip to 2:25 if you’re like me and have a short attention span)
Babe, can you pass me a new roll of toilet paper?
DAMNIT. No one else lives here. And I pooped. Oh you, just kidding! I never do that! I’m a girl!