Things That Happen When You Quit Tinder
(or really when you quit actively looking because you’ve lost all hope and decided you should probably figure out how to enjoy a life that does not include dating)
1. The best thing that happens is that you stop shaving your legs every day.
Or every other day. Or more than once a week. You shower and you don’t shave your stubbly legs because there is zero chance anyone is gonna feel those legs. The moment you realize this you hear angels trumpeting in rejoice, hovering somewhere above the shower.
2. Also, this is probably good for the environment.
Saving water and whatnot. Go you.
3. The number of possible underwear choices available to you on any given day doubles.
All those pairs of big comfy cotton bikini briefs that are usually reserved for working out, periods, and sleeping alone can now be moved back into the daily rotation. Before you even know it, all the uncomfortable lacy thongs will have migrated to the back of the drawer and you will not miss them at all.
4. No rejection, no unmet expectations.
When you don’t try, you can’t fail!
5. You may accidentally leave the house without makeup on.
Maybe you don’t wear makeup anyway so this doesn’t apply. Or maybe you, like me, look simultaneously zombie-like and 12-year-old-child-like if you don’t put on at least eyeliner and mascara and so you do wear makeup on a regular basis so that fewer people ask you if you’re the intern at work and you have to explain that, no, you’ve actually worked there for 5 years as an employee. So when you get to work, on one of these days sometime after you’ve stopped trying to find a man, and you catch a glimpse of yourself in the bathroom mirror, you’ll think, “Shit, I look 12 today.” But you’ll also think, “I give zero fucks and this feels fantastic.”
6. You start eating food in your bed.
This is bad. I mean, in the moment, it’s glorious, but in retrospect, it’s bad. When you’re snacking on sweet potato tortilla chips while watching Game of Thrones on your laptop in your bed all by yourself, you’ll feel like there’s nothing in the world that could possibly be better. Because there isn’t. But, when you climb into bed the next night and crumbs stick to your legs, you will writhe in regret. Resist the temptation. At the very least, avoid bed-eating foods that create crumbs.
7. You get hotter.
Despite all of the above (no makeup, hairy legs, terribly non-sexy undies), you will still be hotter than ever. You have so much free time now! Might as well go for a run. Or go to the gym. Hell, you could do both and still have time to veg out on the couch for a few hours. If you’re really lucky, you may even discover you have triceps.
8. You stop obsessively checking your phone.
This one is good for your sanity. Really good.
9. You learn to like yourself because you are, in fact, awesome.
You no longer assess your self-worth by the number and quality of your matches. Your ego is not rewarded when you impress yourself with your own witty banter. Instead, you get your little ego boost when you successfully install your air conditioner all by yourself without dropping it out the window.
10. Your life does not revolve around coordinating the logistics of your next date.
Your time, your calendar — it’s all yours with which to do whatever you wish: girls night, solo dancing night, stay in and paint your fingernails night, eat pasta right out of the pot on the stove night, mow your goddamn lawn night. No plans Friday? Or Saturday? You no longer care. The care fades away and it’s replaced, eventually, with calm. You begin to realize that life doesn’t really suck so much, that you do mostly have your shit together, and that you are — wait for it — actually happy without a man. You are happy being single and not even trying. The moment you realize this… well, that just may be nirvana.
11. “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you might find you get what you need”
While that statement is often true (thank you, Mick Jagger), there is a lazier version that reveals itself once you stop Tindering: