Meet Angelababy, the Chinese Kim Kardashian
You think you lavish? You think you fancy? Well, you ain’t got shit on Angelababy!
“Who?” You’re probably asking yourself right now. Angelababy, duh. The Chinese Singer/Model/Actress, who just married some Chinese actor whose name I won’t bore you with. You may have never heard of this wench, but she packs a cool 69 million followers on Weibo, which is the Chinese Twitter/Facebook/BigBrother hybrid. Do you know what most girls would do for 1/10th of that follower base? (I’m asking because it literally surpasses my imaginative capacity). She also recently garnered, even more, attention here in the Middle Kingdom by undergoing televised tests to prove that she’d never had plastic surgery done. This girl is tailor-made for American pop culture!
Now, why is any of this relevant? Oh, maybe because she and her new hubby spent a casual $31 million on their recent wedding. That’s only 3 million less than William and Kate’s wedding, and they’re kind of future king/queen, and dis bitch is kind of, well, not.
Angelababy is called “the Kim Kardashian of China”, which makes no sense because her ass is flatter than her singing voice (burn #1), and there exists exactly zero videos of her orally pleasuring washed-up R&B singers (I look for these things, so you don’t have to).
Let’s look a little closer at this moronic wedding of some anonymous actor and a singer with the single dumbest name outside of Ke$ha.
El Babe de Angela wore a Christian Dior gown that took five months to create and according to Forbes features “115 feet of ivory satin”. Please explain to me how a dress can feature 115 feet of anything. And then explain what the fuck ivory satin is, and how I can get dat yo!
Other highlights of the nuptials included a 10-foot tall wedding cake shaped like a carousel and a holographic castle. What’s the matter Angie babe? Can’t afford a real castle? (burn #2)
I think I’ve made it clear that this wedding doesn’t really impress me. In fact, want to know the biggest issue I have with this whole thing? According to the multiple sources I consulted, it cost $31 million USD and 20 million British Pounds. Holy exchange rate Batman! I advise all US citizens to stay the fuck away from Great Britain until things even out a bit.
If you’re wondering whether Angelababy’s success in China will ever make it across the ocean to the USA, wonder no more! She’s currently set to “star” in the upcoming Independence Day: Resurgence film. That’s right, it’s 2016 people! Will Smith is out, and Angelababy is in!
Written by Das Deven for Cultural Facts of the Day.
