Example UC App Essay & Critique
This article is part of a 3-part blog series about how to improve your college application essays. You can find more background on this topic by reading the following article.
Prompt: Beyond what has already been shared in your application, what do you believe makes you stand out as a strong candidate for admissions to the University of California?
Essay Example
I have been fortunate enough to travel with my family around Europe and especially Greece to visit relatives from the time I was a few months old. When travelling we try to immerse ourselves in the local culture. From having to live off the land in my great grandmother’s mountain village in Greece, to shopping in a neighborhood bazaar in Istanbul, these authentic and unique experiences have exposed me to different ways of life. Coming back to school every year with these new found perspectives in mind, I have begun questioning my surroundings and not taking everything at its face value. Having the fortune of a global perspective, I am able to share my experiences with my classmates to promote a more authentic learning environment. Given my appreciation of other cultures, I was surprised this past year when my classmates mocked our Spanish teacher’s Basque music because of how foreign it sounded to them. To me, it was very similar to the Greek or Latin music I was accustomed to hearing throughout my travels. It became clear that without having real and raw experiences of different cultures, it is difficult to step outside of yourself and see something through someone else’s perspective.
This example from my class is a microcosm of a much bigger issue facing the United States today. Hostile division over immigration policies can many times be a result of people’s lack of understanding of other cultures. I acknowledge that there are serious problems surrounding illegal immigration, but there should at least be a greater awareness of who these immigrants are and why they are leaving their native countries. Even within the country, we see tension between different ethnic and religious groups due to their lack of understanding of one another. Given my time spent abroad and passion for these issues, I am committed to working with my peers to share my experiences and learn from theirs to broaden our understanding of the world and promote positive change.
Overall Critique
Overall a great essay! You did a nice job showing instead of telling with the various points you were trying to make throughout the essay, from living in the mountain village example to your classmates mocking your Spanish teacher. We tell our students that the “travel essay” can sometimes be cliché, but I think the manner in which you mentioned your extensive travel was done in an authentic way that didn’t sound like an over the top epiphany. Furthermore, you were able to use your travel experience and global perspective as a vehicle to illustrate how unfamiliarity and a lack of exposure to different cultures has led to a growing tension in our society. Trying to tackle politically sensitive topics is something we typically advise our students to be careful of, but I think you did a great job of not taking sides and instead calling for a deeper understanding of the root of the issue. Lastly, you were able to mention how you plan on using your global perspective and interest in our societal issues to grow as a student and help your classmates grow over the next four years of college. Good job!
Moving forward, this point of helping others grow is something you could expand on and perhaps give a concrete example of how you plan on helping those around you grow. I know you only have so much room given the word limit, but maybe you could rephrase the last sentence to be a little more specific. Lastly, I think you would really benefit from an opening hook that captures the reader’s attention. Perhaps you could illustrate a scene from your grandmother’s village or from a Turkish Bazaar.
