The Angel (Chapter 2)

Ruby was already enjoying her cappuccino on a classy cafe terrace when Michael arrived. The mood was serious. The only way they ‘greeted’ each other was by sitting at the same table.

Ruby put down her cappuccino and softly spoke to Michael: “It didn’t go unnoticed that you are having doubts. There are clear signs for concern.”

Michael, who steadily stared straight towards the street, knew it was so. He responded by looking down for a second and again gazing out in front of him. His eyes tried to follow the cars that slowly passed them. His body language betrayed what his mind tried to cover up.

Ruby took another sip and continued: “You are not sent to make your own plans. Instructions are clear and to be obeyed.”

Michael: “I still have time. I choose to spend it wisely.”

Ruby: “Wise? What do we know about what’s wise?”

Michael: “Not a lot, yet. That’s why I’m glad I have time.”

Ruby: “You are surely aware of what our job is and what consequences we face if we are unable to perform?”

Michael could only nod. He knew that Ruby was right and he wasn’t here to start an argument with her. Nor was he in a position to negotiate if he wished things were different.

Ruby saw Michael’s conflicted state but could in no way relate to it. Ruby was always steady in her conviction and mission. Nothing could distract her from fulfilling it. Especially nothing trivial such as emotions.

She continued to persuade Michael to do what is good: “Look, Michael. I know no such thing as love and so this is not out of compassion what I am saying. I am only communicating to you what you, deep inside, already know. I’m just here to remind you because we are connected through something bigger than you and me. I have been asked to let you know that the course you are taking is not one that is appreciated.”

Michael responded: “I know, Ruby. I really know. But lately, I also feel.”

Ruby looked at Michael as if she heard something strange: “That’s impossible. You don’t feel.”

Michael: “Don’t you feel sometimes?”

Ruby let out a sigh and tried to convince Michael by speaking slower and more deliberately: “Michael, just because we are here in human form doesn’t mean we are humans.”

Michael: “But they react to us like we are close to them and just like them.”

Ruby: “Whatever this feeling-thing is, you are above that. You are jeopardizing your own existence by giving importance to these insane details. They will bring you nothing but trouble.”

A tired-looking Michael responded: “I know. It is bringing me trouble ever since I am close to Jacob. But if I don’t listen to myself, I feel troubled just as much.”

Ruby was now staring at Michael with big eyes and an open mouth as if she saw a crazy man talking. “Listening to yourself?” She asked. “What has gotten into you?”

Michael looked at Ruby and was about to explain when she cut him off: “Ok, don’t even answer that. I don’t even want to know. Tell me, what do you need to get your sanity back and just do what is asked of you?” If it was possible for Ruby to lose her patience, she would, but the drive to fulfill her mission kept her composed and determined to fix this ordeal.

Michael: “I have to know for sure that what I’m doing is a good thing.”

Ruby: “You know that everything we do is a good thing?”

Michael paused, as if ashamed to admit what really bothered him, and said softly: “I’m not sure.”

Ruby: “You don’t have to be. Others are sure, so you don’t have to.”

“I’m afraid I have to”, replied Michael. He knew it was difficult to communicate to Ruby what he felt deep inside. He couldn’t even communicate it to himself. He only knew it was troubling him. What he felt deep inside wasn’t knowledge in the classical sense. It wasn’t something he could explain or grasp. Still, it was a knowing. He wondered if Ruby really hadn’t experienced such a thing ever. He believed her when she looked at him like she looked at a mad man. Up until now, even he didn’t have this knowledge. The knowledge, however sure it felt inside of him, came with a lot of disturbance. It was Michael against himself now.

Ruby, trying to get to Michael, saw his confused state and tried again: “Why do you have to find out?”

Michael: “Because I know I am tasked with it.”

Ruby: “Tasks are given out. Not made up.”

Michael: “You really think I’m making this up?”

Ruby: “I have no way to know for sure what is going on inside of you, so I’m not judging. I’m also not the one who has to deal with the consequences. I’m only here to remind you of who we are.”

Michael: “As much as we are alike, I sense there are subtle differences. I haven’t asked for these differences. I wish I could keep it as simple as you do. This gift is bothering me too just as I sense it’s bothering you right now.”

Ruby: “It’s not bothering me, Michael. You know I can do this forever. If there is something I have lots of, it’s time.”

Ruby saw Michael lift a corner of his mouth as the humor of what she said hadn’t escaped him.

Michael: “Indeed, time is what we have in abundance. Yet, in this form, something like a ‘month’ creates a pressure I haven’t experienced before.”

Ruby: “Let me tell you about the real pressure beings like you and me are facing.”

Michael looked at Ruby, ready to listen.

Ruby: “You know what happens when we choose not to obey?”

Michael nodded but looked at Ruby as if he wanted to hear her say it.

“We are beings made to obey”, continued Ruby. “If we don’t, we face the worst consequence you can imagine. Our actions don’t have the same consequences as humans have for theirs. The worst thing for humans is death, humiliation, or losing their position among their peers. For beings like you and me, the worst thing to happen is to have our existence erased.”

“Like death is for humans”, added Michael.

“Like death for humans?” replied Ruby. “Oh no. Not even close. Human death is remembered. If the person lived a good life, it is even celebrated. Their deeds are remembered and their virtues are mentioned during loving conversations. Their family members will decorate places where they perform rituals to keep in touch with them. Not only the believers. The non-believers too. Humans are made like that. They have the gift of attachment although some consider it a curse because of the pain that comes along with it.”

“But for us, having our existence erased is nothing like human death. It will be the same as having never existed. Going back to non-existence doesn’t mean your body will disappear. Your deeds will disappear too. Your virtues will disappear. Memories others have held of you will disappear. It will be as if you have never existed in the first place. No, it won’t be as if you have never existed. It will be that you have never existed.”

Again, Michael felt something. Logically, he knew that non-existence shouldn’t bother him this much. In fact, it was something that could bother human beings, but not him. It wasn’t the knowledge of that fact that was causing him pain. It was what he felt about it. He couldn’t understand where this feeling was coming from and what it tried to communicate. He never had feelings before. Ruby didn’t have these feelings and he questioned his own sanity because he was so different from her now.

Michael just stared out in front of him. Defeated. Not by Ruby’s words but by the meaning he attached to them. In previous times, he could never add such meaning to concepts like that. It was the meaning that defeated him and he knew it should not.

“Michael. I say this only because we are the same and we share a common goal. Please do what’s good. Do what is asked of you. I’m here if you need any help.”

“I appreciate that”, replied Michael with a smile, knowing that he could turn to Ruby for help. Indeed, they had the same goals and came from the same beginnings.

Ruby stood up and smiled back at Michael. In her human form, she carried herself elegantly and with unshakable confidence. There was no trace of doubt. Perhaps, because she didn’t allow conflicting thoughts to bother her on her mission.

“I see what people mean when they use words like appreciation”, joked Ruby. “I guess you are welcome.”

As she walked off to carry out whatever she received for a task, Michael just sat there reflecting on the conversation they just had. He thought about what the consequences of his own plan would be for him. He considered what could be the consequences for Jacob. He noticed himself considering. He wasn’t supposed to do that but he allowed this exercise in his mind. He felt it was the right thing to do. To consider. To ponder over the options. To notice what he was feeling and what had his preference. He risked his very existence by doing so, but for now, he had time. The most valuable asset to man. He also cared. About Jacob. About his own existence. He noticed time and care were occupying the same space.

He felt time ticking away. In human form, with Jacob as his responsibility, he didn’t have time in infinite supply as he used to. Time was running out and the same was true for care. He couldn’t allow care to run out.

He was looking at the people around him and noticed their dealings with each other. He looked at their interactions and how they were seen by their peers. Were they loved or wouldn’t they be missed if they left this life? He decided to put Jacob to the test. He had to decide for himself if Jacob deserved the care and sympathy that Michael felt.

Reminding himself of the possibility of his own non-existence, he knew that his care wasn’t in infinite supply either.